Monday, October 25, 2010

War of wills or Picking your battles...

Last night it had just begun to rain so I went out to bring the cat in. She was sitting under the bench staying pretty dry so this is how things went...

"You better come in before it starts raining hard" I said, holding the door open impatiently. I was worn out from the night before and wanted to go to bed early.

"I'm fine where I am. Maybe later." my cat replied.

"I'm tired and I'm going to bed. This is your last chance! In or out?" I shouted my age old threat.

Silence was her only response. The "Queen" had spoken.

I wasn't in a mood to get dressed and fight her, clawing and screaming into the house only to have some little "present" left somewhere because the "Queen" was not pleased so I shut the door and went to bed.

Later that night, I was awakened by loud thunder and could hear the rain pounding the windows. So I got up, ready to get soaked to rescue my pussy.

I opened the back door to find her sitting inside, shielded from the downpour by the storm door. She gave that dirty look she's mastered so well and then began to ignore me. It was obviously all my fault that she had gotten wet and now she wasn't speaking to me.

"Come inside." I told her.

Silence. I was being punished for leaving her outside and not remaining awake at her beck and call until SHE was ready to come in.

I had had enough by then and began scooting her wet ass inside, her screaming all the way. At least I had avoided picking her up and those claws of hers!

She hopped up on her table expecting her special food. I locked the door and stumbled back to bed, willing to suffer the consequences.

I could hear her finally start crunching on her dry cat food, upset over being wet AND not getting her special canned food in the middle of the night.

About the time I was falling asleep again, I heard her snuffling (she has sinus problems from when she was hit by a car) as she attempted to get dry by crawling under the covers with me.

THAT was not going to happen and I wasn't going to get up to dry her (she'd scream about that too!). So I fixed her pillow and a attempted to sling her onto it. She attempted to maintain her balance and threw water everywhere (including all over me).

Was this her plan all along? And who really won? I sure didn't get a good nights rest or a dry bed to sleep in.

And now she doesn't want to go out because she's afraid it's still raining. Since she's blind she can't see it's not raining and for some reason, she doesn't believe me when I tell her it isn't raining.

I'll admit, sometimes I tell her it's not raining when it is just to see her reaction. So she doesn't believe me. Go figure. A cat with her own mind.

So, who do you think won?

Friday, October 22, 2010

Adults only - Gay cure found!

I was told recently that a cure had been found for being gay.

The only problem was that it had to be administered in my butt. "Sorry" I said. "I just can't take it in the butt.".

"It's just a small prick." they said. "You won't even feel it".

"I've heard that before" I responded as I walked out the door.

"We'll let you know when the oral version is made." they cried after me.

"Don't bother." I responded. "I don't swallow...".

Stay safe folks!


Sunday, October 10, 2010

7 billion in 2011?

My sister had 10 children. Three were lost before birth and six are still living.

Those have eleven surviving children of their own (so far that I know of).

And THOSE children already have three children with one at seventeen now pregnant AGAIN, having dropped out of school with no spouse or job to support herself or her children.

My one niece has finally decided to at least CONSIDER adoption though she feels it won't work. She's never married (but is a common-law couple of near 20 years) since marriage is just too much of a commitment for people. The excuses are endless and pretty stupid but I guess I am just old fashioned and romantic. I like the idea of commitment.

I signed papers at my former job as soon as they said they were supporting gay couples. It was a big thing and I almost lost my job because I came out (they still allowed harassment in the work place because you couldn't prove it was because of my sexual preference (but that's another blog...)). I would have been married legally if I could have.

But having a family wasn't something we would have gone into lightly. Between our lifestyle and our back grounds, we felt the time wasn't right and might never be. But earlier in life, before I graduated and got a job and was not married would have just been plain STUPID.

And yet no one seems to be telling these kids that are making babies how wrong it is because they are so afraid of hurting people's feelings. Or just not being popular for saying what needs to be said but no one wants to hear OR say!


They say the brain doesn't finish growing until around the age of 25. By then, you have matured, had a chance to finish your education, and determine if you can afford to raise a baby and whether you SHOULD!

And with the population estimated to reach 7,000,000,000 in 2011 or 2012, maybe you could consider adoption.

Eventually something will happen. From starvation, to disease, to natural disasters, over-population makes them more extreme. Why not slow down and smell the roses? Play a game. Talk. Or at the very least, put a fucking rubber on it!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Social networks

We are living in an interesting time filled with gadgets that help us stay connected in a very immediate way. They help us maximize our usage of time and prioritize our interactions as we see fit.

It reminds me of a story by Isaac Asimov based on a world where there were 40,000 robots for each person. Contact was minimal between people with conjugal visits between married couples being stipulated as part of the marriage contract since intimacy was so abhorrent in that society.

Of course, with our population nearing 7 billion with no end in site, we face the unique predicament of attempting to be anti-social while standing right next to each other.

My niece moved into a new community where people came up and introduced themselves and offered her help in moving and offered to give her tools to do the work her husband was doing in the yard. Her response was to want them all to go away and run inside and lock the doors. Her children felt the same and said they felt like they had just moved in to the neighborhood from "Desperate Housewives".

I understand a desire for privacy. We all need our space, especially when we are not up to interacting with others. But I think we should have a better balance. If you are part of a community, there are things you can rely on. People watching your house or coming to your aid. You may not want to host the block party at your house but a nosy neighbor is quieter than a barking dog and more selective in their monitoring of your property.

But we have become so unsocial that I see couples that live together post complaints to each other on HERE so everyone can see their argument instead of talking to the person sitting right next to them!

I check out the trends such as twitter but I don't jump on everything just because everyone else is doing it. When all I have to say is that I just woke up or took a dump, do I really have to share that with everyone? And how sad are the lives that find it interesting?

I like my space probably more than most but I do recognize that I am a social being requiring actual, "in person" interaction at times. I have considered getting a bluetooth earpiece so people no longer look at me strangely when I "appear" to be talking to the air but I still venture out and interact with people from time to time.

In fact, since I use a pay-as-you-go phone, I am quite aware of texts (20 cents each) and phone calls away from home (20 per minute!). I don't worry so much about being tracked by such devices though I am aware of it. But any good medical practitioner will tell you how important interacting with a patient IN PERSON is.

So much of communication is lost through these wonderful networks that keep us connected. Ironic isn't it? These social networks that are connecting us are actually disconnecting us.

Not to mention the fact that the ability to read, spell, or write in complete sentences has gone down the drain! And a person rarely asks when they don't understand an acronym or message sent. They just continue in ignorance as even communication itself breaks down.

And let's not forget how quickly we become BFF's with complete strangers. How many people, especially children, meet strangers only to become victimized? People we don't even say hello to on the streets (since politeness is no longer part of American society) we are letting into our homes and even our beds.

That's part of the problem with parents no longer being parents and letting kids do what they want online. Letting the PC become a baby-sitter and feeling secure if 99% of the interaction occurs online. So what if everything goes wrong in that other 1%...

Social networks? Really?

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I value my friends very much. I also prefer to have just a few good friends because friendships take time and energy, at least for me.

Granted, my friends don't always see it that way. You know the type, always taking, rarely giving. I know we all have our lives to live so I don't base my friendships on a measurement of give and take but it does annoy me at times.

I'm not the type to call others, I usually wait for them to interact with me. If I do call, there's usually a reason. When I get brushed off on those rare occasions, it will come up in a later conversation but people don't see the problem. It only becomes a problem when I start brushing them off.

Eventually, it get's tiresome. Then I go through periods of focusing on other things which is good in itself but those hurts add up bit by bit and eventually I move on.

I'm still there when a crisis hits old friends but I can't help feeling a bit of satisfaction when I learn their selfish nature has come back to bite them in the ass. The only thing is they don't ever realize what the problem is (even if you point it out) so I have to take my pleasure from their suffering. I make no apologies for that.

I guess we're all self-centered on occasions so I don't consider it a deal breaker. It's just nice to have someone ask "So how are YOU doing?". Even if they glaze over after 10 seconds of your response, they did at least ASK!

Yes, this is a rant. It's not thought out much and doesn't really go anywhere. I just had one of those times I needed to talk and the friends I just put out for are not responding in kind. I do so love my blog. It's much better than strangling my pussy...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dreams fufilled and lost and the in-between

I woke up tossing a turning, arguing with ghosts of friends, and family, and imaginary characters.

I was pregnant and trying desperately to please everyone one involved. Everyone wanted my baby to be born and cared for a particular way according to what they felt was most important.

A lot of the dream had characters and a theme from the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes". I've been reading the book for the first time and could even her the local accents as everyone scurried about to help.

I know this came from getting my new Leopard Gecko last night and discussions I have had with various folks about children. From raising to teaching to loving, caring for a family can be very varied.

For too many reasons to go into, I never had human children. But I have had many pets (and such owners will insist "Pets are people too!") that have given me glimpses into what it would have been like to be a parent of a human child.

Like their incessant need for attention no matter where you are and what you are doing. I am so thankful pets don't have cell phones. Trying to do work is sometines down right impossible!

Balance is a constant struggle. If you never take the time to love your kid, this will definitely haunt you. On the other hand, you have to realize when you have been driven to distraction and have to get things done!

As I write this blog I am struggling with that big time. When I wake with an idea, it's most urgent I write it down before the details are lost but this blind cat of mine continues to tap me over and over to be petted without pause. I try to do a bit of both but it isn't easy.

Sometimes I lose it and grab her real rough and she whines while I rub her real hard. Then I set her down again and she immediately taps me for MORE attention! I pet her more gently and brush her because I know there will be a time when I will no longer be able to do that (so I try to BE in that moment so I can recall them later and not regret finding balance).

I'm also in the process of cleaning out the cabinets below the kitchen sink. This has become her favorite place to sleep so like any places like that for a blind cat, I have to occasionally clean up her "accidents" when she can't find her litter box. I just finished washing her bed from yesterday's accident. Not to mention the pillows covered with special pillow cases to protect them.

It reminds me of the nursing home I visited in New Orleans where my Aunt Emily Dinnete (not my REAL aunt) was staying after being found laying on the kitchen floor for days. She had suffered a stroke and was paralyzed on one side.

The nursing home reeked of urine. She was confined to a bed, had no children or friends, basically forgotten. I had had to work hard to locate her and sat crying in the car after the visit. I regretted not staying in touch and knew that since I was far away, I might never see her again.

It was one of those things that makes you reflect on your own life when you have no children and you wonder what you future will be like. It's not the same when you have kids and have some security that there is family to care for you.

Areas of my house don't smell all that great since I haven't gotten the carpet cleaner out but my cat is quite resourceful at finding ways around the fences I have set up everywhere to keep her from going places that are hard to keep clean (like the living room) but I don't have the heart to keep her caged up. I tried it and it just seemed to cruel.

She will be like this (or possibly worse) for the rest of her life. I never have had the heart to give her up or put her down. She is after all, my baby and I don't take such choices lightly though I know many think, "It's just a cat!".

She won't grown up or go to school or have children or a career but I still love her as my child. I try to look at the responsibilities and trials as learning experiences. How to keep my temper and realize it's not her fault and remain amazed at how hard she DOES try. She doesn't seem to waste time on what might have been or crying over her losses. She just makes do as best she can and seems very happy.

The dream I had of having a real child occurs occasionally. One of the first and strongest ones was when I found myself walking down the big streets of New York with my child Elizabeth (she had beautiful black her like my mom).

Her mother (a friend of mine that I had discussed having a baby with) had died in child birth (as she was often worried about) and I was left to raise Elizabeth on my own.

Elizabeth had just slipped from me holding her hand and run out into traffic. I immediately ran after her, putting myself between her and the on-coming traffic. My first thought was to protect her at all costs, even my life and woke up very upset.

Dreams are so vivid at times! You aren't wondering if it's real or not. Just acting on the moment. In that moment, I knew I would do ANYTHING for my child and the love was SO INTENSE!

The whole dream (from her birth to the moment of her running into the street) is still vivid so many years later.

I gave up a lot choosing not to have a child but I had my reasons. My own upbringing as well as the path I was following spirituality and the frightening state of the future world we are creating were some of the big factors. I refused to try to even adopt a child when my partner suggested it and I know it was the right decision at the time. Not an easy one, but a good one.

So I leave the care of children and adoption to others (whether they do worse or better than I could have). It IS a sacrifice and I often think upon it but for now, I think I have made the best choice.

It doesn't mean I don't know how or could not raise a child or give advice to others. I just feel it's a lot harder than many think and so very important to do it right (or try harder than so many that I observe do (or rather, fail to do)).

Whatever the case, don't forget to take the time to show love to those around you. Family, friends, and even strangers... And patience. Another one that's hard for me.

Everyone likes to hear they are loved, likes to get an occasional hug, a handout (see a hand, give a hand), or at the very least, a smile and a kind hello. You never know what profound affects such simple acts can have upon the world.

My cat's back for more attention so I am going to throw her outside. She likes that. It's one of those things she teaches me, to go with the flow. A lot of time her desire for attention is more an attempt to direct me to something else she wants, in this case, to go outside. I can't imagine stepping out the door if I were blind but it doesn't phase her.

She also teaches me not to fear the world even it has hurt you in the past. Even though she almost lost her life getting hit by that car, she still loves getting outside. She's even followed the sound of my voice and gone out to that road to get to me.

Loving, courageous, and fearless. That's Sister Sheena II

Friday, August 20, 2010

Bye bye Eastern Newts, Hello Leopard Gecko

A few months ago I bought two Eastern Newts which I named "Newt" and "NewtNewt". NewtNewt was restless and soon disappeared from the 55 gallon terrarium. I never found a body (yet).

"Newt" was much calmer and hung around the log, occasionally hunting food. I had brought home crickets, blood worms, tubafix worms, fish food, and pellets. I brought in rolly polly's, snails, centipedes, and even found a yellow-spotted salamander!

"Newt" occasionally ate small mites that climbed around on the stump but ever so slowly, she began to get thinner.

I went to the pet store for help and the above list of foods were tried. Nothing worked. I suggested I bring them back but the lady admitted they had the same problem and that they eventually died.

I debated on taking the to the vernal pools at Ruffner but knew they weren't local species. So I just watched as poor "Newt" waster away. I even tried force feeding her but that failed too and "Newt" died.

"Newt" now sits on her log desiccating gracefully. And I have a void to fill...

I finally get down to getting either a turtle, lizard, or gecko. When I got to the store, they had a choice of a cute baby corn snake or various geckos. Since I really didn't want to get back into raising mice or feeding them or their pinkies to my snake, I opted for a cute speckled Leopard Gecko that eats crickets!

It seems happy enough and was already searching for food when last I checked. Let's hope for the best while I start thinking of names...

This brings up the subject of captive animals. I am against it if the habitat isn't good enough. If the animal is not happy, it's better off dead.

So I have to keep that in mind. I think fish and reptiles are better off in a habitat and happier. They are safe and better fed. The have less fear (in whatever way they feel that). But I do think about it. That's why I don't get birds since keeping them from flying really is cruel (just an example).

But I think the energy from the plants and animals and the water feature is good for bringing the outside, in. A bit of Feng Shui. And I like just sitting and looking at it. Very therapeutic!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Church of ONE

I find myself comparing my spiritual beliefs to others quite often. I decided to take a walk at Ruffner Mountain this morning and that's where my mind kept wandering.

I don't claim to have much understanding for Einstein's Theory of Relativity but being a big guy, I can see how time and space can warp around large gravitational fields.

If space is seen as a dimension and some string theory suggests even more, will we ever have a Unified Field theory?

My mind often wanders over to science since I am made that way. Incorporating a spiritual side was the hard part. Looking back, it seems so obvious but I think most people see their perspective that way.

Even in science, you see the word "theory" dropped quickly and everything spoken about as if THEIR theory is correct and true. The same holds for many on the spiritual side.

I don't claim to have ANY of the answers and that's why I keep studying both science and spirituality (I avoid the word "religion" for it's negative connotations in my mind). But when I contemplate the INFINITY of EXISTENCE, a spiritual "Law of One" is where I find myself returning to.

If you look on the internet, you'll see a lot of sites under this heading. For me, this simply means that EVERYTHING, through whatever multiverses there are, is connected on all levels.

For some, that belief opens up some interesting possibilities. If you've ever learned how to look at a 3 D picture and see the 3 dimensional image, you might understand where I am coming from (or going to ;).

Before you learned how, you could not see this image. But even if you didn't believe, you could still be taught to see it. It wasn't faith. You just had to learn how. You just have to find what works for you.

Perhaps perceiving other dimensions is the same. You have to be willing to believe in such things. What might those dimensions hold? Are there actually multiverses? Is there such a thing as Spiritual energy? Could science AND spirituality be combined?

I find that if I try, I can explain scientifically things that I often feel are spiritual in nature. Perhaps that's part of the way it works. That it can be explained from either point of view and that one does not invalidate the other.

I just find trying to explain everything to everyone to distract me from LIVING. I'd rather spend the time enjoying the moment. I don't mind learning other folk's views but I am thankful that America protects my right to FREEDOM OF RELIGION.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Synchronicity - patterns in the Ether?

I first came across the term synchronicity in the book Cosmic Trigger. I'm still not sure if I have the correct definition in my mind even after reading Carl Jung's paper on the concept but I find myself labelling events in my life as synchronistic.

A lot of discussions on the Magic City Pagans forums lately have made me think a lot about it. And then something synchronistic happens!

I find such occurrences to be very personal. Those outside of the situation do not see the synchronicity. In fact, it's the typical situation where close scrutiny can explain it all away. So I am going to relate today's occurrence and you may take it as you wish. I just needed to tell someone...

I was sitting at my computer earlier and kept stepping on some folders near my foot. I finally slipped once too many times and bent down to move the folders. As I picked them up, I only managed to pick up part of them and the rest fell back to the floor.

On the top folder were written three words in my partners handwriting. "Insurance House Lost".

My partner died on April 8th, 2004. Just the other day though, I had commented about paying for the insurance on his house and losing both a theft claim AND the house because we weren't married and had not prepared any legal documents to cover each other.

I KNOW what he meant when he wrote those words. He probably was keeping all information on the theft of the items from his house while State Farm fought to pay on the claim. Jerry died before they paid and though they were withdrawing the insurance payments from MY checking account, they refused to pay the claim to me.

They may have slipped through on that one but they lost my business for house insurance. It was the second time they had treated me wrong on house insurance and I am glad to be rid of them. I use Safeco now and am quite happy with them.

Now it looked more like a prophecy come true. Not to mention that it should happen days after me talking about it online.

I still believe my partner is around and watches over me. And sometimes he lets me know it. Psychiatrists and counselors would say I'm delusional for having such beliefs and at the same time admit they believe in an entity called God. But THEY aren't delusional, just me...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Grandmother Earth

I know, most refer to her as Mother Earth but in relation to me, I see her as a great-great...(add number of "greats" here as you desire)-grandmother and refer to her simply as "grandmother" when we have our little chats.

Having OCD, I'm an all or nothing sort of person. Finding "balance" in my life is...difficult. When it comes to walking my talk, I see myself as a failure. I know I am not doing all I can or should when it comes to respecting and caring for the earth.

The great Pacific garbage patch is a very vivid reminder that we must all do better.

I gave up keeping plastic bottles of water for my guests a while ago and also started using a reusable water bottle for myself. I think it's a good start.

I have been appalled to learn of so many people using plastic cups and utensils and styrofoam plates for all their meals because washing dishes is just too much trouble. Even on picnics, they don't bother using paper plates and cups which are biodegradable and renewable.

Though I have no children of my own, I still see the earth as a gift that we all must share. That includes taking into account the needs of future generations even if they are not my own children (we are all related in some distant way!).

I tend to think of the amount of waste something creates when deciding on what changes to make in my life. I eat three or four meals a day so the waste associated with that activity seems to account for a lot of the garbage I produce so I use reusable plates, cup, and utensils and wash them instead of creating more landfill.

This morning I was lighting some citronella incense after some mosquitoes had already raised a few whelps on my legs and realized another simple change I could make. No more butane lighters.

I see no convenience that I can not live without by using matches instead. They're not as convenient as a butane lighter and I have to be careful when putting them out but they shouldn't wind up in the great Pacific garbage patch like so many lighters have.

Since I don't smoke cigarettes, it's not as big an issue for me as some but I do use lighters a lot. After those I have are finished, I will try not to use them anymore.

I have to wonder what long-term affects this plastic sewage will have on our environment. It may take a long time before it works it's way up the food chain into our systems. The studies of affects on our health and genetics are probably a much longer way off.

And yes, I use re-usable bags at the store instead of plastic ones. My three little contributions to a reduction in the great Pacific garbage patch. Baby steps...

1) Ignorance
2) Awareness
3) Action

Simple is 1 2 3...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Spiritual Diversity

Living in Mississippi and Alabama since I was twelve, I have been exposed to a lot of opinions about what religion is and what mine should be. Fortunately, my parents allowed me to develop my own beliefs. My father’s background was Catholic though he considered himself Agnostic. My mother’s back ground was Lutheran though she had developed her own beliefs from a variety of cultures. Her family had stopped going to church when they were told that from now on the collections were to be silent. That meant no coins. In other words, if you were too poor, we didn’t want you.

So I was baptized Methodist as a child and taught the Lord’s prayer and left alone about religion. At 3 ½, we got ready to move to Saudi Arabia so my mother put me in a Bible school. I believe the intention was to have me Baptized again before taking me over to a “heathen” country. Though very young, I do recall two of the teachers talking about me. The one felt I shouldn’t be there because of my mother’s reasons for putting me in the school. The other took the high road saying it was important to help everyone that asked. My father also felt my mother had enrolled me for the wrong reason and I was eventually taken out of bible school. I guess my mom hoped that my earlier baptismal would “stick”.

I remember the folks in Saudi Arabia to be very kind and generous. About the only issue that was ever a problem was that my mom refused to walk three steps behind my dad. My dad loved the rule (surprise!) and my mother hated it. I also don’t think she was ever allowed to drive over there. I do remember the heads and hands of people that had committed crimes stuck on stakes on the side of the road. My mom always tried distracting me as the bus drove by. I always knew when it was getting near by my mom’s increased apprehension. Of course, as a kid, I had to see anything she didn’t want me to see. I think it was a bit drastic but it shows how different their beliefs were (an eye for an eye!).

When we returned to New Orleans, I got exposed to Catholicism at the church in Jackson Square at midnight mass. I remember it was hot, filled with smoke, my knees hurt, and I couldn’t understand a lot of what they said.

My next exposure to religion was in high school in Poplarville, MS. Many peers were pressuring me to go to church so I finally gave in. I got to ride an hour or more on dusty back roads in a hot school bus to listen to a Baptist preacher scream about going to hell (using 6 foot speakers to help him shout across ten or so aisles). After a few weeks of giving up my precious free time to return home depressed with a headache, I had had enough.

As more and more people told me how sinful I was and realizing my sexual orientation was a big problem with many, I finally gave up on finding my religion. I later found that many of my tribe had followed the same journey and turned their backs on religion in frustration and anger.

For me, this left a huge void in my heart. Eventually I began searching again on my own and eventually became a Spiritualist. I study many belief systems and follow my heart to the truth. I try to live my beliefs a lot more than forcing them upon others. I wait for those curious or in need to come to me.

My mother once told me, “Start with Love, End with Love and the rest will work itself out.”. It is the core of my beliefs. I even wrote a poem about it…


Think the WORD.
Say the WORD.
Be the WORD.

I soon wrote another poem called LOVE which replaced WORD. But really, whatever WORD you use for your intentions, this is a simple yet powerful guide.

So instead of denying your spiritual side, why not put the energy into something more positive? Instead of denying or condemning others, why not use the time to simply sit quietly and let life’s stress melt away? It will make it so much easier to face times of challenge. Or just not respond in an angry or hateful way, instead smile. It can be quite effective and disarming.

Two ears and one mouth. For someone that enjoys talking, it’s a lesson I have to constantly remind myself. I use this blog when I feel the need to vent.

There may be a time when you need support and developing your spiritual beliefs will insure that it’s there when you need it, even in the loneliest times.

Respect for life’s diversity is what America is about. And no matter what MANY would have us believe, RELIGIOUS DIVERSITY IS INCLUDED! Whatever your beliefs, you have a right too them. And so do I…


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Emotions and the subtle skill of Empathy

When I was young, I read about a comic character named Raven. I think it was a DC character. Back in the stories I read, this character was dark and serious (just like me) but also had an empathic nature and ability to heal others by taking on their pain.

I found this to be very alluring and began to practice this empathic ability. Observing people is a big part of the training. You have to learn the subtle signs of posture, voice, facial expressions as well as the unseen signs in order to determine the best way to empathize and help someone.

The difficulty arises from humans natural defense mechanism, denial. You can see someone is upset and yet when you attempt to help and ask what is wrong, they SNAP "I'm fine!".

The fact that they SNAP at you is an obvious indication that they are lying even if you hadn't read the other signs properly. The problem is that this denial is negative feedback for an em path. We can't hone our skill if people are dishonest.

So most learn to keep quiet and use their skill in more subtle manipulations. After as many years as I've been practicing it, my skin has toughened enough that I reach out in a direct way and take the "SNAP" when it happens. I may have to take some time to recover but I find the direct approach brings the issue out quickly so it can be dealt with quickly. Ever read "Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield?

The point is that we have developed our emotions as part of our evolution. They ALL have their use. Denying them is not healthy or constructive. Determining their function and reacting well to them is a much better way to deal with them (for everyone involved!).

For me, anger is still very much a challenge. The old type-A personality is loud and typically over-reacts when angry. But I recognize that anger helps me remember lessons I learn. It burns events into my brain. If I can just live long enough to sift through the event to determine what I should have learned.

Right now, I'm experiencing anger over the fact that even my family won't be honest with me. I've worked hard at being the social worker and trying to lead discussions in a way that helps them be honest and they just won't do it.

They use "justification" as their defense for lying. "They don't want to hurt my feelings" is their justification. They have no defense for the hurt I express to them on learning that they have hurt me by lying. They are so use to lying that they can't see that their desire NOT to hurt me has FAILED.

In reality, it's their own feelings they are protecting. They know the truth would have been uncomfortable to say and hard to hear so they justify their lie. And the em path has to let their intuition lead them to the truth in other ways.

We all lie so casually in such subtle ways throughout our day that most of us are in denial about doing it. I'll admit I still do it. Often to avoid an uneasy truth. I often lie to avoid confrontation (this includes that subtle "lie of omission"). But if someone says they really want the truth, I will give it to them or tell them I would rather not say anything.

For a while, I tried being honest all the time but people are offended by much of what I think. I realize that's my character flaw. But I've found it's better to keep quiet. Most people aren't up for a true dose of honesty or a healthy debate when they disagree.

So now I process my emotions and analysis of others through my diary and occasionally a blog. I am careful not to play analyst too often, especially with strangers because I often walk away doubting my abilities and feeling I've not helped much like my hero Raven always did.

It's so much easier when you can just touch someone and suck all their hurt away. I haven't honed that skill yet, for touch is even harder to use in empathy. Most just aren't ready for that level of intimate healing. Plus, I've still got lots of work to do on my other empathic skills.

So instead I try to remain quietly in the shadows until approached. Those that seek me out are the ones that recognize what I do and are the most open to my help. Plus I get to hone my skills of observation as I wait...

Loran the Shadow

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Lighter Side...

Well, after a short night out at the Quest and a creative mixture of medications, I find myself waking from the most bizarre dreams and unable to sleep peacefully.

That blind cat of mine has insisted on sleeping at the foot of the bed even though I am tossing and turning and talking in my sleep. I've bopped her in the head a few times already though she insists on remaining IN BED and IN the same spot.

Instead, though blind, she uses those eyes of hers to give me that "if you smack me one more time I'm gonna piddle in your cornfakes!" looks. I correct her, telling her that I a no longer eat "corn flakes" (emphasizing the word "flakes" not "fakes" (since in my mind, my cat is still a kid and talks with a speech impediment)).

She corrects herself and says "Well I'll piddle in your multi-=gwain fakes" (multi-grain flakes are what I now eat). This is an inside joke since being blind, she often gets lost on the way to the litter box and does indeed "piddle" where the mood takes her! Leaving surprises in the most upsetting places. So I try to handle them with amusement.

Like using the paper towel roller (the holder in the middle of a roll of paper towels) to beat her with when I get angry. She LOVES the feel of it on her back and the "bonk" sound and I get to relieve my anger and frustration and lighten the mood without upsetting her. I think she just about has an orgasm from the beatings. Takes after me I guess...

The dream itself must have come from this new gay Alabama/Florida magazine I picked up at the Quest called "noise" ( We've been needing this since the "Alabama Forum" stopped and the format and content look good. I intended on writing Don to encourage him and fell asleep reading it.

The dream was about me being involved in some GLBT fund raising event. The details are fast going away but every time I fell back asleep, I found myself smack back in the middle of helping get it ready.

The last scene was of me debating on volunteering to do drag for a performer that had pulled out (the dress was BEAUTIFUL!). Always a secret dream of mine, I just can't bring myself to shave the goatee. It's the last butch thing about me!

Before that, I remember trying to work out the kinks (or put them in) on some display involving a big scoop and motor oil. I recall where this thought may have originated back in a Canadian leather run my Franco-Canadian boyfriend had shown me pictures of a young naked 20-something BOY covered in motor oil. (getting light headed with the memory).

The point is that maybe I need to get back into helping my gay community some. The more the merrier and Bham has seemed to have lost much of its energy though it might be on up-swing.

And instead of standing on the sidelines like a typical fag, bitching about what's wrong with the the folks that are at least TRYING, I may need to look around and ask if there's somewhere I can help file a hole... >:D

Friday, June 11, 2010

BP oil spill

Would more aid be coming in from America and abroad if the pictures were of humans covered in oil instead of pelicans?

Where's the number to call to send money? I don't see any advertisements, only finger pointing. Why isn't Michell Obama asking for aid?

I went to a Magic City Pagans meeting ( tonight on candle-making. We created a candle with prayers and chanting to fix the BP oil spill. It felt so positive and uplifting!

Just remember, we are never helpless. Even penniless, you can still focus your thoughts in a positive way, in any moment, in any place. Whatever your beliefs are...


Sunday, June 6, 2010

BP, greed, finger-pointing, deception

(sigh) Where to start?

I guess the thing that is really annoying me is how the news is showing the oil washing up on beaches, witnesses are talking about the smell, and merchants are complaining about the loss of business. Yet the coastal states are ALL running ads saying everything is fine.

Just because BP is bamboozling everyone seems to justify the state tourism boards being able to lie to the tourists.

And if BP is compensating the merchants for their losses, can I get reimbursed when I go to the beach only to discover they are fouled and my vacation ruined? Do I petition the tourist board or can I go directly to BP?

My father died prematurely because the oil company he worked for wouldn't pay for his medical treatment. We almost lost our house too. I know first hand how corrupt MOST corporations are. It just shows how right I am when I say American is not a Democracy but Capitalistic Society.

But let's face it. We are ALL responsible for this accident and it's ramifications. There are few out there (and none reading this) they can claim their life does not revolve around oil.

The gas to drive a vehicle is just one part. Think of what is made from oil and all the products created from it (such as the pc you are reading this on). Accidents happen. So do bad decisions.

Until (if?) we find better ways to co-exist on this planet it will continue to grow into a place where the seas are our toilets and every secluded path of land a garbage can (landfill). Just wait until the nuclear landfills begin to degrade. That should really prove interesting for our children. If we make it that far.

If this is such an issue, why not close down all the deep wells? Or all wells? Our addiction to oil has got us by the balls. That's why our military is over in the middle-east.

Again, I admit I am part of the problem myself. I am using this computer aren't I? I don't have the solutions but I get so tired of seeing so much finger-pointing and lies on the subject.

And like another FB friend said, where is all the international humanitarian aid for the U.S. in this time of need? As usual, we are expected to give to the world, not receive. And we're the bad guys?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

AT&T DSL Class Action Settlement

Did you get a notice for this in the mail? If so and you have had problems like I have, fill it out!

For more info:

The amusing part was that my DSL WENT DOWN while trying to reach this page and AT&T provided a diagnostic page which I now have a copy of! LMAO!

I guess that's what they get for selling service in the United States and supporting with people OUTSIDE of the U.S. (yes, I use to work for BellSouth, sold to Anderson Consulting...). Aprox 100,000 employees reduced to < 35,000...(BellSouth).

Friday, April 9, 2010

Animals in Prison Doing Life With NO Parole

I go to "Books, Beans, and Candles", a metaphysical shoppe in Birmingham, Alabama (check it out at and they have a free magazine called "Oracle 20/20".

In the April 2010 issue, there is an article on page 20, titled "Animals in Prison Doing Life with no Parole". It's one of those things that is dear to my heart.

The Birmingham Zoo has lost an elephant and a gorilla recently and if you watch the large anteater pace it's cage, you can understand how cruel caging animals is and how they slowly go insane. Is it no wonder that they attack us at Sea World and YET...Sea World is still allowed to use wild animals for our entertainment...

Some examples (even if you can't talk to animals) of abnormal behavior listed in the article are head-bobbing, biting cage bars, pacing, producing stillborns, playing with excrement and severely mutilating themselves.

It's why I keep renewing and then not renewing my Zoo membership.

The way I see it, if an animal becomes extinct, it is a punishment for our neglect and abuse of the environment and a much better wake up call than subjecting these poor creatures to a caged imprisonment for doing nothing but living and roaming a land human desire to be theirs.

So be it. Let us populate the world until the only thing left to eat is each other. I doubt even that will slow us down...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Handicapped Parking...

My sister had a rare form of muscular dystrophy when she was alive that eventually put her in a wheel chair. My mom also was confined to a wheel chair or walker when out and about and we had a handicapped license plate for her.

When my partner and I drove without my mom, we did NOT use a handicapped parking space. I think it's actually against the law if you are not carrying a handicapped person at the time.

But really, it's the principal. I make break laws (like speeding through a 30MPH zone or going 80 on the highway but I'm just following the example of law enforcement that do the same thing when they just want to get to their next destination even though it isn't an emergency).

So yes, I realize I am kind of talking out of both sides of my mouth at the same time but because of my mom and sis, I am a bit sensitive over this issue.

There's this red mustang owned by an employee of a local walmart that parks his car in a handicapped spot every night. The police park in the fire lane to go shopping and don't seem to notice or care that this guy is not handicapped and has no sticker or license plate that says he is.

I have even asked him and he said he was not handicapped. He gave me a "go to hell" look as if that would scare me. Poor guy, he really has no idea of who he is dealing with.

I went in and spoke with the manager and she just turned away as if I was some bum off the street. So now that they know I am the one complaining, I am in that nebulous area where I hear "Pick your battles".

I don't need my car or myself damaged when this "thug" realizes I have reported him to corporate or the police (though I doubt Bham police will do anything). So for now, I am just ranting as usual and biding my time and sending bad karma his way.

If he or his vehicle spontaneously combusts and I hear about it, I'll let you know...

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Alabama Pagan aka Spiritual aka tatonkabean

I want the world to KNOW that I love them sow..."Fern gully" - make it grow!

teaching the NEW way through the

of multi-meanings
in a WORD
in many languages
in my area
parts of many religions
using a body with a parallel processing (6.9?) -
left and right hemispheres, hypathalusmus, etc.,
w/hyper-threading & lucky number i 7 ... memory processing unit burned out,
need replacement or coffee...
Perhaps just an egg short of a dozen?
No, just a few nuts and bolts loose (did u get all that?)
and trying desperately not to FORGET ever again....who? I AM!
And what my soul contract contains at the moment (just sign here
and initial there...). There. Changes are made. u r ready 2 go again!
To infinity and beyond! Android or Cyborg or human, we love them all ;)
This is tiggerthetiger23, or 2010-01-7 (makes it easy to sort on PC).
Too much input, shutting down, and rebooting... Nighty night!

P.S. The addy is

Android versus Cyborg

My neice and I discussed the difference yesterday. She says humans are more like cyborgs and I think normal humans ARE androids. In a way, we are both a bit right.

Healthy humans are made of elements from the same periodic table that an android or cyborg is, just in different quantities of each. Lots of Carbon and H2O for humans (ugly bags of water) whereas Androids and Cyborgs have more metalic parts and synthetic chemicals instead of biological chemicals.

I see GOD as the ultimate MATRIX, a mesh of all four states of matter/energy. Matter states are Etheric, Gas, Liquid, Solid. Science still can't find PROOF of Etheric that is reliable (because it is so complex) but they are getting close.

They need to study the Kabbalah or stare briefly into the sun and then close them and see the patterns that form. You will begin to pierce the veil! Namaste!

Saturday, March 27, 2010


I went to Walgreens today. With all my medical conditions and medicines on file you would think they would be kinder with me and more understanding.

Instead the Pharmacist just laughed at me. LAUGHED!

I C plans within plans. I C the multiverse.

doo u c what i c?...

I tried calling and talking to Cathy Horton at walgreens and she HUNG UP on me!

Reported her her to corporate twice. We will see if I get an apology...


I have a great doctor but she always thinks she is right and I am a Shaman and I think I know a bit about herbal medicine as well as treating my tribe (don't have a DEGREE yet so I get NO respect from her).

Anyway, because of things she knows because she's my doctor, she has yet to take the time to listen to all my problems (too busy) and is a Lesbian with authority issues when it comes to dominating males like a Capricorn/Tiger/Metal Shaman like me.

Look up Capricorn and the Chinese Zodiac (Lunar) for a fuller explanation of ME. Check out books on Feng Shui such as "Chinese Whispers" (excellent book!) or wikipedia for either Solar or Lunar Zodiac to understand the plan GOD layed out in the moving super-computer that is the planets and the Universe.

See wikipedia on the UNKNOWN state of matter in the periodic table which I call the ETHERIC in my new book. Physics 101 for Believers.

Anyway, until I can afford ambien or such, I get what I need where I need it and am finally RESTED! I was really getting loopy on 1 hour of rest every 24. Yeah, bipolar is a bitch when the pills are $15 each and I sometimes take up to 3 a day.

Not to mention dyslexia (unrecognized even though I got shock tested after being electricuted). Doctor's are so busy and so full of them selves and so greedy but they don't want to give us the time of day because they think they are Gods on earth to us mere mortals.

Enuf of a RAVE for today. Anyone know where a local one in Birmingham, ALabama will be soon?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Plastic Seaman

I live in a town that does not recycle. I haven't found out why yet but it is on my list.

I have a metal can with a red and a blue rubber band around them on my dining table as a constant reminder to pursue this topic with a friend at City Hall.

I have a plastic bottle in my empty aquarium to remind me of where all this plastic is flowing to and what new organisms it is creating deep in the depths of the ocean as well as the effects we will suffer in future generations from ingesting all that toxic waste in seafood.

So what do we do? Well for starters, we must AWAKE and REMAIN AWARE! That's a start.

I am part of a nature group that celebrated Ostara, the Vernal Equinox, you know...SPRING!

You would think they are aware but we forget the little things. Like buying plastic cups instead of honoring the sacred trees and using paper. It's a basic law of Druidism that many claim to be and yet, there they are in the middle of the woods with more PLASTIC!

I found this old poem I wrote called "Plastics, Earth Technology, 2003-09-09"

Plastics Earth Technology
Father Son Holy-Ghost
Mother, Daughter, female Holy Ghost Mary Magdelene?
Is the "Holy Ghost" a reference to GOD?
So, it really goes...
Father, Son, God
Mother, Daughter, God
Split into Father and Mother
Split into Son and Daughter.
Split into Children.
Add Infinity.
No Problem.
Now I can go and watch my movie huh?
Thank You GOD.
Just say AMEN.

Miss Olivia wants to say hi to Tete. And says to remind Van to wash behind his ears real well.


It may not rhyme but when I channel, I hear many at once. Hope it helps you.

Ever just close your eyes and watch the play of light and dark on the inside of your eyelids like a big t.v. screen? Try going outside where the Sun is...

And if someone makes you doubt what you hear or see or feel, read "Conversations with GOD".

Monday, March 8, 2010

Ms. Manners - where have they gone?

There is an English comedy on PBS called "Keeping Up Appearances". The main character, Mrs. Bucket (pronounced Boo-Kay), is quite a stickler for manners and very full of herself. My ex said I often reminded him of her. I'm not sure how to take that except with humor...

For a long time, I thought it was important to always be honest and never hold anything back. I know better nowadays though my mouth still gets around my Freudian Ego at times! (I speak before I have evaluated my comments).

So I try not to be such an ass and I also try to show a few manners still. One family member I hold dear insists she does too but she really doesn't. She'll burp or fart and laugh instead saying excuse me. She never thanks me for gifts or cards I send her. If I call her on any of it, all she has is excuses. And of course, her kids follow her example.

I belong to a group of guys that go out to eat together and spend much time talking down about those that aren't with them. They are a nice group of people but it's hard to feel comfortable when you're wondering what things they are saying about you when you're not there.

I value friends and family more each day since the number dwindles as time goes by. So I try to hold my tongue when hurt or offended. People will flatly deny their bad moods or lack of manners if confronted. If you had a tape or video, they'd make excuses. Perhaps I'm just too sensitive but the denial rubs me the most! Honesty seems to have lost it's value in the world and manners along with it.

We all have our moments but I try hard to be polite. I try not to deny who I am even if I don't plan on changing. If I at least acknowledge my faults I can change. If I look in a mirror and see no faults, there's nothing to change.

I've quoted him before and I'm sure I'll do it in the future...

"You must be the change you want to see in the world".

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Unlimited Population Growth + Finite Resources=?

You would think that someone who lived in Saudi Arabia in the desert for 2 1/2 years would have a keen awareness for the need to conserve water.

I am often aware of my wasteful nature but not always. Even then, I often indulge myself instead of trying to be more conservative. So I acknowledge that I am often part of the problem instead of the solution but I am trying.

I was reminded of this today while I was cleaning my kitchen sink. Instead of filling a bucket once I got the water temperature right, I just let the water flow down the sink. I like the sound of running water.

I realized how wasteful of water and the energy to heat it was but continued to let the water flow away.

My first partner, J.C., taught me about the simple effort of not running the water while shaving or brushing my teeth. I usually follow his example but not always. It brings to mind an ad I saw that showed a couple showering together with the caption "Shower with a friend" in order to save water.

Eventually the population in my area will out strip the water supply. It won't be an occasional drought but a lifetime struggle. I hope not in my life time. And until we stop breeding like animals we will be bound by the same laws of supply and demand.

Someone will suffer.

In the animal kingdom, that would be the weak, the old, the young. With humans, this will not necessarily happen at first. We will try to maintain order but as things collapse, power will ultimately rest with the rich. At least until things become truly desperate. Then we will also return to our animal nature.

It seems that instead of just throwing money at disasters, we should take time between them to use some money to TEACH conservation.

No matter how modern a society is, if a stable population is not attained, eventually it will collapse upon itself. And when the country that everyone turns to when disaster strikes collapses, where will THEY turn for help?

As we've already seen with the banking industry, even the mere threat of our collapse affects the world. But did the world send us aid? No. They offered to loan us money. Our people began losing their homes and no one gave us money or land or homes. They GAVE us nothing.

Perhaps that is why we don't have a problem with people leaving our country. Our generous nature is still one of the things that people like about us. We are the ones that give. Money, jobs, promises of a better future.

We are by no means perfect. Our dependence on others for energy makes for a dangerous alliance. We have come to the point of invading others in an attempt to maintain stability in their countries to insure stability in ours all for the sake of energy.

So we've already far out-stripped our own ability to supply this resource, energy. Oddly enough, there are many ways to change this. Besides slowing down or stopping population growth, we can invest in solar, wind, and water energy sources.

But since capitalism has a strangle-hold on this country, money determines what is important, not the needs of the citizens. And until we are willing to pay more and have less, we will continue our spiral towards the end of the equation:

Unlimited Population Growth + Finite Resources = ?????? ?????? ??????

Monday, February 1, 2010

Better Living Through Chemistry...

When my mother became ill with cancer, I felt as if the bottom had dropped out from under me. It was a roller coaster ride of loss and hope.

Somewhere along the way, I realized I was no longer able to handle things even with therapy and finally spoke with my doctor. He prescribed Paxil and told me "Better Living Through Chemistry". If he only knew...

This morning as a particular short-term drug wears off, I find myself wishing I was still on Paxil. The short-term drug helps but I seem to become even more irritable as it wears of. That's why I would prefer to be on Paxil which is long-term.

For most of my life I have been impatient and critical with myself and others. I even shop at 2AM to avoid having to interact with people. Without drugs, it's even worse.

I love using the general term drugs because it pisses many health professionals off. They are so narrow minded about the effects of substance that they don't prescribe. From over-the-counter drugs, to herbal supplements, to alcohol, and even food have affects on a person's behavior (yeah, Tom Cruise, I think you're full of shit too).

I really just wanted to bitch about my trip to Wal-Mart but it reminded me that no matter what others think about medicating a person, I believe they do help. So I blogged it.

It's kind of like that old recommendation of writing a letter but not sending it for a while. Just write it down somewhere (like a blog) and revisit it later. Once you've had your say, that may be enough to make you feel better. If not, then after a period of time, send it to someone.

In this case, since I send a variety of letters to Wal-Mart (just yesterday was the last about not selling Green Day CD's) and they usually send me back their standardized bullshit response, I thought perhaps I would just share this one with the world for now.

This started with my bitching to the old Irondale Wal-Mart that they needed boxes to throw away the plastic grocery bags to be recycled. After telling the managers about it a few times, I finally sent an email to Wal-Mart. They never responded but soon after, the recycle boxes were replaced. SURPRISE!

That encouraged me later to complain about the lack of big sizes in men's clothing. This fell on deaf ears. Try looking for men's specialty boxers (you know, like the one's with kisses or pictures of homer simpson on them) in 2x, 3x, or 4x. They don't sell them.

Tonight I was using my own shopping bags and as usual, the cashier didn't know how to use it. I told her how to hook the loops on the bag to their bag holders and she said "I'm too tired".

I will admit that I wanted to slap the shit out of her but I just kept quiet. The only problem is that since Wal-Mart probably has my email listed as IGNORE, I can't even suggest they train or RE-train their cashiers on how to bag groceries.

Perhaps I need another email. Now what should the email ID be? How about complainer? Bitch? NeedsMoreMeds? I've got it..... ThereAreNotEnoughMedsInTheWorld. Nope, too long.

Did I mention that Pizza Hut even put a note in my file that I was a "Hostile Customer" just because my partner insisted on our discount any time the pizza was late. I got an apology from the Birmingham VP for that one!!!

(sigh) Well I feel better but I may just need to talk to my doctor about getting back on Paxil before my head explodes. What's that old definition about "Stress"? Something about resisting the urge to choke or kill people...

Thanks for reading...

Friday, January 29, 2010

Free Speech for Corporations

If you don't believe we are changing from a Democracy to one run by money check out this link:

They explain it much better than I.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Electronic rants

There are so many issues it's hard to decide where to start...

I guess cell phones are a good one. If someone was to come up and just interrupt a conversation, you'd probably be offended and yet when the interruption comes from a cell phone, the call almost always takes precedence over the current conversation no matter what. We have voice mail for a reason.

Loud talkers, especially in restaurants are another rudeness we've come to accept. What happened to quiet intimate conversations?

Ignoring calls as well as emails is another biggie. I think it's the rudest of all. If you don't want to talk to someone or would rather they not call then have the balls to tell them so! And forget the lame excuses. Just be gentle but honest.

And unless your job involves some life-threatening need, why not just turn it off during lunch, movies, sex, etc.

It's time to slow down, be respectful of others, and pay attention to what your doing (driving comes to mind). It seems to me that those that are glued to their phones, twittering, texting, talking, constantly updating their status by the minute are really just insecure and needing validation through other people's attention.

It's nice to let people know what's going on in your life but is getting out of bed, going to the bathroom, and brushing your teeth really the highlights you want to broadcast to the world everyday?

The ones that stay logged on to social sites when they are not there are pretty sad. They come across as desperate (not wanting to miss a chance to meet someone). Since I never know if they are online, I no longer bother talking to them.

Pics more than a year or two old are another sad occurrence. Not as sad as those that are 10 years old but really, have you considered that you may one day meet these people?

I'm sure I can think of many others but I feel better having ranted this much. TTFN