Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dreams fufilled and lost and the in-between

I woke up tossing a turning, arguing with ghosts of friends, and family, and imaginary characters.

I was pregnant and trying desperately to please everyone one involved. Everyone wanted my baby to be born and cared for a particular way according to what they felt was most important.

A lot of the dream had characters and a theme from the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes". I've been reading the book for the first time and could even her the local accents as everyone scurried about to help.

I know this came from getting my new Leopard Gecko last night and discussions I have had with various folks about children. From raising to teaching to loving, caring for a family can be very varied.

For too many reasons to go into, I never had human children. But I have had many pets (and such owners will insist "Pets are people too!") that have given me glimpses into what it would have been like to be a parent of a human child.

Like their incessant need for attention no matter where you are and what you are doing. I am so thankful pets don't have cell phones. Trying to do work is sometines down right impossible!

Balance is a constant struggle. If you never take the time to love your kid, this will definitely haunt you. On the other hand, you have to realize when you have been driven to distraction and have to get things done!

As I write this blog I am struggling with that big time. When I wake with an idea, it's most urgent I write it down before the details are lost but this blind cat of mine continues to tap me over and over to be petted without pause. I try to do a bit of both but it isn't easy.

Sometimes I lose it and grab her real rough and she whines while I rub her real hard. Then I set her down again and she immediately taps me for MORE attention! I pet her more gently and brush her because I know there will be a time when I will no longer be able to do that (so I try to BE in that moment so I can recall them later and not regret finding balance).

I'm also in the process of cleaning out the cabinets below the kitchen sink. This has become her favorite place to sleep so like any places like that for a blind cat, I have to occasionally clean up her "accidents" when she can't find her litter box. I just finished washing her bed from yesterday's accident. Not to mention the pillows covered with special pillow cases to protect them.

It reminds me of the nursing home I visited in New Orleans where my Aunt Emily Dinnete (not my REAL aunt) was staying after being found laying on the kitchen floor for days. She had suffered a stroke and was paralyzed on one side.

The nursing home reeked of urine. She was confined to a bed, had no children or friends, basically forgotten. I had had to work hard to locate her and sat crying in the car after the visit. I regretted not staying in touch and knew that since I was far away, I might never see her again.

It was one of those things that makes you reflect on your own life when you have no children and you wonder what you future will be like. It's not the same when you have kids and have some security that there is family to care for you.

Areas of my house don't smell all that great since I haven't gotten the carpet cleaner out but my cat is quite resourceful at finding ways around the fences I have set up everywhere to keep her from going places that are hard to keep clean (like the living room) but I don't have the heart to keep her caged up. I tried it and it just seemed to cruel.

She will be like this (or possibly worse) for the rest of her life. I never have had the heart to give her up or put her down. She is after all, my baby and I don't take such choices lightly though I know many think, "It's just a cat!".

She won't grown up or go to school or have children or a career but I still love her as my child. I try to look at the responsibilities and trials as learning experiences. How to keep my temper and realize it's not her fault and remain amazed at how hard she DOES try. She doesn't seem to waste time on what might have been or crying over her losses. She just makes do as best she can and seems very happy.

The dream I had of having a real child occurs occasionally. One of the first and strongest ones was when I found myself walking down the big streets of New York with my child Elizabeth (she had beautiful black her like my mom).

Her mother (a friend of mine that I had discussed having a baby with) had died in child birth (as she was often worried about) and I was left to raise Elizabeth on my own.

Elizabeth had just slipped from me holding her hand and run out into traffic. I immediately ran after her, putting myself between her and the on-coming traffic. My first thought was to protect her at all costs, even my life and woke up very upset.

Dreams are so vivid at times! You aren't wondering if it's real or not. Just acting on the moment. In that moment, I knew I would do ANYTHING for my child and the love was SO INTENSE!

The whole dream (from her birth to the moment of her running into the street) is still vivid so many years later.

I gave up a lot choosing not to have a child but I had my reasons. My own upbringing as well as the path I was following spirituality and the frightening state of the future world we are creating were some of the big factors. I refused to try to even adopt a child when my partner suggested it and I know it was the right decision at the time. Not an easy one, but a good one.

So I leave the care of children and adoption to others (whether they do worse or better than I could have). It IS a sacrifice and I often think upon it but for now, I think I have made the best choice.

It doesn't mean I don't know how or could not raise a child or give advice to others. I just feel it's a lot harder than many think and so very important to do it right (or try harder than so many that I observe do (or rather, fail to do)).

Whatever the case, don't forget to take the time to show love to those around you. Family, friends, and even strangers... And patience. Another one that's hard for me.

Everyone likes to hear they are loved, likes to get an occasional hug, a handout (see a hand, give a hand), or at the very least, a smile and a kind hello. You never know what profound affects such simple acts can have upon the world.

My cat's back for more attention so I am going to throw her outside. She likes that. It's one of those things she teaches me, to go with the flow. A lot of time her desire for attention is more an attempt to direct me to something else she wants, in this case, to go outside. I can't imagine stepping out the door if I were blind but it doesn't phase her.

She also teaches me not to fear the world even it has hurt you in the past. Even though she almost lost her life getting hit by that car, she still loves getting outside. She's even followed the sound of my voice and gone out to that road to get to me.

Loving, courageous, and fearless. That's Sister Sheena II

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