Monday, October 30, 2017

Time is Fluid

     I don't try to understand too much of the Universe at any given moment.  In fact, that fourth dimension of time, that "moment", frustrate me quite a bit.  I automatically dislike science fiction that bases its story on manipulating events through time.  Which is a big deal if you like such stories as Star Trek or even Harry Potter.  I realize it's just my own limited grasp on the subject but when my Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD) kicks in, such issues can wreck a person's enjoyment of an otherwise interesting story.

     I realize authors are simply trying to grasp a very complex subject and make their story interesting but to me, it punches so many holes in it that I either have to turn the OCD off (no easy feat, even with Fluvoxamine) or I have to make leaps of ignorance to enjoy the story and stay in its universe.

     Today I awoke crying about my little cat, Sheena Easton Adams.  I was watching this Dr. Suess movie (I call my dreams movies) and she was scared and alone and unhappy and barely let me catch her because she had gone feral (like she would in real life) and I couldn't fix her.

     For some reason, it mad me think of my own struggle with madness and wondered when my last time would be up.  I thought of the man and woman that seemed to be my mom and my sister and her husband while I was in the loony bin and I wondered if anyone else saw how easily we seem to slide from one realm of sanity to another of madness in the blink of an eye.

     And most importantly, why this new SchizoAffective Disorder (SAD) seemed to frighted even the best of friends.  Why could they not realize that for me, each Universe is as real as the one before it.  Each moment is a different you and a different me and though it's all ONE, I wonder when I'll give up and never return to that Universe of sanity again.

     I miss Sheena (both one and two).  I hope they are happier and safer (where ever they may be) than in my nightmares...

Friday, October 20, 2017

Are YOU a doormat?

     Do you let people and companies step all over you, abuse you, or ignore your rights as a decent human?

     I have often done this and have reached my limit and am beginning to push back.  If this seems like I am an asshole, I really don't care anymore.  You shall no longer wipe your feet on me so that you smell like roses and I feel like shit!

     This is just a heads up for the hospitals and doctors and staff as well as car dealers, and any other low-life including but not limited to, so-called friends as well as family that have taken advantage of my laid back nature as if it is a sign of weakness, ignorance, or carelessness.  I'm COMING for you.  You have been warned.  If I am ignored, you shall be too!

     The rainbow dragon has awakened...

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Snap Judgements - a history

I believe we often make snap judgments when meeting people and then don't admit when more information shows we were wrong.  I know I do!

Bipolar folks, ADD/ADHD folks, and such are quick thinkers.  I am a bit quirky myself so I understand. 

But there was a time when we humans lived moment to moment, never knowing when we would be attacked by wild animals or humans from other tribes and we had to make a quick decision on the limited data at hand.  These so-called "mental illnesses" were what kept us and our tribe alive.  We were the super-beings of the tribe.  As I like to call us "Homo Nuevo", New Humans.

Now most folks don't need these abilities and so we are medicated until most all of us have become zombies.  The message is clear.  We are even obsessed with shows about the subject of zombies.  They even eat brains.  We are hard-wired in our brains to be this way.

So instead of simply medicating everyone to the point that they are living-dead and either give up and commit suicide or going berserk and killing someone or being put away in the loony bin like I do; why not find what our special abilities are good for and create special education tracks to help us find our new niche in modern society?

Hang in there my fellow super-beings.  The "ONE Tribe" needs us.  Help is on the way.  It will just take a while.  In the mean time, search for your own HEALTHY answers.  Each one of you is special and loved by someone, maybe someone you don't even know is there thinking about you.  "I" love you.

Ivan J. Adams copyright 2017-10-23

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Party On!!!

There is a word Carl Jung coined, Synchronicity. In my interpretation, it is the belief that instead of going through life with your head up your ass, claiming everything to be coincidence, you've practiced your spiritual beliefs to a point where you are able to see the influence of a higher power in the multiverse and more confidently participate in the creation of that multiverse while in your corporeal form instead of dismissing everything as coincidence.

Being in a constant state of this elevated awareness has become forgotten by most and so re-learning how to attain that state and maintain it is very difficult. In this day of science, unproven things such as synchronicity makes it even harder due to the majority of people not believing (whether it was attained through simple faith or personal observation).

Both paths (blind faith or personal observation) are constantly attacked by even other believers as well as so many non-believers. This can quickly and easily cause the energy to maintain that state to be sucked away. We call these beings "energy vampires". When they disagree and attempt to drain you through any means to create doubt within you, you will find yourself falling out of the moment and going back to sleep like the masses. All I can say is to leave their presence and DON'T GIVE UP your practices.

With that said (and the warning that doubt in your ability and even mine (from publishing this post) will occur), I am going to give you a personal and precious example of this power I believe occurred for me. I don't care if you disagree but I do hope that someone finds comfort that this amazing ability does exist and that we all can do it! NAMASTE!!!

Today my grand-niece posted something that caught my eye because it had a shirtless hairy big man (known in the LGBTQ community as a "bear") on a stage with a microphone. Of course, she had my interest with the shirtless bear but being on stage with a microphone, I just had to know what was going on.

It turned out it was about the mafia so I decided to tell my grand-niece about my mom's fond memories of her party days with the mafia.

My mom loved to party. She worked as a waitress for 16 years and said she would often bring her "club" clothes to work so she could change into her club outfit when her shift was over and head to the club. She would party all night and then head back to work for the next day's shift.

She even told me about one of the gangsters handing her the keys to a brand new Cadillac. She was so excited and ran to show my dad. If you knew my dad, you knew how much he loved my mom and his jealousy was fierce! Without a thought for his life, he told her to return it. So she did with much sadness. Luckily he trusted her enough to let her still go to the clubs and hang out with her gangster friends.

I often just listened, not quite sure how much was true until I rented a movie called "The Cotton Club". See these two links: The movie, The description

My mom was on the edge of her seat as she watched the movie, jumping up and hollering. "I've been there!" she would say or point to a gangster and say "I knew him!". I've never seen her so excited and happy. By the end of the movie, I finally realized this quiet woman that was my mom was a true party girl.

At the time, I was still young and was definitely not a party animal.

When my mom became sick and moved in with me and my partner, Jerry Michael Brown, we had become party animals and my mom was our advisor. From critiquing our club outfits to providing party supplies, she lived her past days again through us. I regret refusing to allow her to come along when she asked to just because I didn't want to be thought of as a "mama's boy". She's okay with that now even if I still cry over it but that's not the point of this story.

Eventually, the cigarettes killed her and I had to lie to her and tell her she could move on because I would be alright without her. I did a good job because her passing was happy and peaceful and she had no clue how sad and frightened I was to lose her.

I was a mess afterwards and didn't want to remain but somehow I did. I did all the things you do after someone dies but I was not aware of much, and barely had the energy for simple tasks. My partner Jerry was just as hurt but helped keep me going. I even bought all my family a copy of the newspaper with her obituary and brought a copy to any family member that wanted it.

This is where the synchronicity began to press upon us all in so many ways and yet it simply passed us all by for the most part. It took years before I finally crawled out of that deep pit of depression and could reminisce about my mom and finally see the hand of the Creator showing me just how powerful he is to speak to all of us all the time in every moment of OUR co-creation of the multiverse.

I sat in my meditation room years later, staring at the front page of the newspaper with my mom's obituary and finally saw it:

Party on

I could go into more detail but either you believe insynchronicity or you don't. It's not an easy path and raising and holding yourself in a heightened level of awareness is something that some devote the focus of their entire life to. In the modern world, we may hope for just an occassional moment but even that can have a profound affect.

We are all One Tribe so from one Divine member to Another Divine member, I wish you love, compassion and success!

Sunday, February 12, 2017


Me and my sister

The first (and last) time I went to a funeral home was when my neighbor was killed in an accident. He worked with the county maintaining our dirt roads and was run over and mauled by a road grader. It was a closed casket.

His one son was so distraught over his father's death that he hugged the coffin, bawling, and often making them open it up so he could see his father, no matter how bad he looked. I did not see him and did not want to and left as soon as I could get away.

The graveside service was even worse, for now his entire family was in tears and I felt helpless. I just wanted to run away and cry myself for all the pain I was feeling from everyone.

After that, I didn't go to wakes any more. I knew so many would think I didn't care but I simply could not handle the emotions and did not want the last image of someone in my mind to be of them laying dead and pumped full of chemicals. My spirituality does not believe in doing such things so I follow my own rituals instead.

What my mom's urn looked like (my partner Jerry picked it out)

When my partner died and was cremated (a change in his beliefs because of me sharing my own spirituality with him), his family asked me to preside over the graveside burial since he still wanted to be buried at the foot of his mother's grave, which I understood. It was a very touching request to perform the ceremony by a wonderful family that had welcomed me in as their own. It was only my second time to be in a cemetery.

Jerry Michael Brown

Jerry Michael Brown's grave

As I found myself driving back out to his grave so many times, I began to understand the various rituals of death. It gave me great comfort to be able to go to the grave sites of my partner Jerry, my mother Marge, my father Al, and even my little cat Sheena Easton Adams. My sister's ashes have yet to be released and I am waiting very impatiently for that to happen.

Now as the years go by, I am finding so many places to visit and it is hard to do at times. I know I can commune with the other side where ever I am but I like going outdoors to do so.

Another dear friend, Cameron Marsh, has passed away and the synchronicity is amazing. Synchronicity was one of the BIG topics he and I talked about often. It was as if he was trying to show me the things we believed in were so true. On January 28th, 2017, the Chinese New Year is celebrated. The scent associated with bringing in the Chinese New Year of the Rooster was said to be Sandalwood. A very sacred scent that Cameron and I had talked about.

The above image is of the bottle of Sandalwood that Cameron gave to me as a present. I went looking for the bottle the day before, January 27th, in order to have it for the next day. So of course, Cameron was on my mind and I had a stronger nagging intuition to call him as I had since our last talk. As is typical, I was not in the moment and ignoring those inner voices as most of us usually do.

Ten next day I began burning the Sandalwood throughout the house and then logged on to facebook only to discover Cameron had passed away the day before. And I realized what my procrastination and ignoring those whispers from the other side had cost me. I could no longer call him on his phone or see him in his corporeal form.

I didn't go to the funeral but as I looked up the map location, I discovered the service was held in Warrior, Alabama. The next town up from where my partner, Jerry Michael Brown lived when I met him. Then I called the funeral home to find the address of the cemetery and discovered I would pass by where another dear friend, Teri Taylor, lived when Jerry and I had met her. She is another dear young friend that passed on too early in life.

Teri Taylor

It would seem to be a small world. Cameron and I would tell you it is synchronicity. For those that are curious, read "Journey of Souls".

Journey of Souls link:

So here I am, needing to visit another close friends burial (having skipped the service) and still waiting to release Sister Sheena II Adams' ashes who died on June 20th, 2016, where my mother and our previous cat, Sheena Easton Adams are buried deep in the sacred woods.

My last cat, Sister Sheena II Adams

For me, no tombstone is necessary. Those that know remember, and once forgotten, it no longer matters. We will be doing other things by then.

Elaine (Cameron's mom) and Cameron Marsh

Instead of graves and tombstones, please take time TODAY to find comfort in friends and family.
Cameron, see you on the flip side and Namaste!

P.S. from Cameron:


Sunday, October 2, 2016

The Root Of All EVIL

First Epistle to Timothy in the New Testament of the Christian Bible, English version, King James translation (1 Timothy 6:10, Vulgate including Greek, English (King James version), and Latin): "10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."

If you have a desire to understand the differences and inter-relations and development of the Christian faith (or even it's connection to other religions), I suggest you go to the top of and begin your studies there.

I say this as a wonderful example of where this post is headed. Revelation in the New Testament of the Christian Bible, English version, King James translation (Revelation 22:19): "And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.".

Whomever first wrote (or possibly spoke) those words was the original vessel of God as far as humans go for that statement. Though a description of the the first time it was written is lost, we still have to realize that it was probably NOT written in English nor during King James' rule SO SOMEONE HAS ALREADY "...take(n) away from the words..." through translation into other languages and the inability to thoroughly describe everything a witness of the first writing of those words would experience.

This is the crux of the issue. If heard second hand or read second hand, in the original language even, something of that moment is already lost and so we each must listen with our soul to trust we are part of the Creator and always strive to understand everything from the center of LOVE and LIFE, our heart. Why do you think the paintings paint pictures with Jesus' heart exposed and surrounded by thorns? Having suffered, how can we not understand what LOVE is and follow more accurately in his footsteps?

That is why I call myself a Spiritualist since I believe God is ALL and can be magically growing from nothingness through my own interpretation of religious faiths wherever they may come from. For even now, science fails to understand or describe the Alpha and Omega that is the unknowable infinite. Perhaps that will someday change but it is the basis of my faith no matter how unsteady it may be and I'm okay with that. I think my Creator is okay with it too.

With that preamble, let's begin talking about an interesting change in America. A country founded on the desire of the individual to be free and independent. That included freedom of religion but is often corrupted just as religious beliefs are (as I hope I have already shown).

In 1864, Americans officially began to worship a new god of MONEY. We even stamped our intention ON our money in the hopes, that like the word "bible", ALL or MOST Americans would assume this to be the same God of GOOD and blindly begin accepting the god of MONEY as the God of GOOD. And it seems for the most part, we have.

America is no longer a democracy of the people. It is republic of the corporations built on the power of MONEY.

A great example is the most precious gift our creator gave us that we currently use and abuse, this EARTH. It is becoming one huge landfill and sewer and the root cause is the god of MONEY. Many people need jobs and recycling is an industry whose day is long past being a part of how we live. We could recycle and reclaim all of what we throw away if we were simply willing to follow our HEART to respect the gift of LIFE which is the earth that sustains us instead of following the god of MONEY and claiming it simply costs too much.

I say this since my own community had to "cost justify" recycling instead of simply itemizing it's cost on our bill. As oil became cheap under Barack Obama (yeah, I know that FACT really annoys some folks!), my community began REDUCING what it RECYCLED because IT WAS NOT PROFITABLE. I won't suffer much and since I have no kids, I should not worry. My Spiritual belief tells me different and so I weep for the future of our world.

What more can I say to convince you to stop blindly following what others say is okay but you know to be WRONG? Do you even bother using reusable bags instead of plastic bags? It's a simple step but I see few people in the store bringing their own bags. Just one little step to begin.


Saturday, September 24, 2016

Still I learn! - More ramblings about Sister Sheena II

A misattributed quote.

In the late 80's, I was working for the phone company. Scott, a co-op and good friend of mine was also working in our group. We each had our little open-air cubicles and Scott liked to think out loud as if each step in his work needed to be shared with everyone. Having ADD, such distractions were fatal to my own work.

One day, I had had enough and stood up and hung a sign over into his cubicle. "Scott." I said.

"What?" he asked.

I said "Look.".

He turned towards my cubicle and saw the sign. "S. T. F. U. What does that mean?" he asked loudly.

"Shut The Fuck Up!" I shouted back and the whole group (who couldn't help but overhear our conversation) burst into laughter. They had obviously been suffering in silence but thinking along similar veins and shared in my expression of their feelings.

To my recollection, I had never heard the acronym used before and from the group's response, neither had they. Was I the creator? Who knows? Like the quote "Still I learn!", it is sometimes hard to attribute the creation or documentation of use of some quote.

It is the title of my blog for it's Spiritual context and my own personal struggles with the topic.

For instance, "Hence where there is a multitude, a crowd, or where decisive significance is attached to the fact that there is a multitude, there it is sure that no one is working, living, striving for the highest aim, but only for one or another earthly aim; since to work for the eternal decisive aim is possible only where there is one, and to be this one which all can be is to let God be the helper----the "crowd" is the untruth." from "Existentialism from Dostoevsky to Sartre".

Imagine a book composed of such sentences with the reader having the attention span of a squirrel, especially when the topic is boring or filled with such verbose sentences (notice, that is just ONE sentence!). Having Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) as an adult and never having been diagnosed as a child, I am having to struggle through such texts until my doctors decide what the safest course of treatment is for me.

The quote seems to me to reflect a belief my dad introduced me to, agnosticism even though it resides in a book on existentialism. I recall my dad sitting in the kitchen and making me go look up the word during a discussion about religion in which he said he was an agnostic. Like many of my current Spiritual partners/friends who claim to be "recovering Baptists" and proudly wear the badge of an agnostic, it resonated with me also.

My own brief fire and brimstone brush with the Southern Baptist religion left me mostly with the memory of a pounding headache (from the preacher shouting damnation using 6 foot speakers) and the standard "Do as I say, not as I do" attitude. So it was surprising and refreshing to discover my own path was much like my dad's. I was quite happy about it. I wasn't alone in my path, no matter how winding it might be.

Having recently lost my cat, Sheena, after 14 years, I still find myself struggling with what has happened to her and me being left behind. I reflect on her life and the living of most of it blind, having lost her sight when she was hit by a car. It seems that event and those that followed had much meaning in my own growth.

Once past the pain and healing, she didn't let her handicap slow her down much. She didn't seem to reflect on her loss. Instead, she pushed her boundaries as far as she could. This included jumping off of the second story deck a few times when she had climbed up on top of the fence surrounding the deck and then jumped back down on the wrong side. It took her a few times before she decided to no longer do that.

She began to understand her new limits, and we both began to understand our new relationship and her increasing dependence on me. She couldn't get back up on the deck until I came to check on her. In turn, I had to find a balance between giving her as much freedom as she desired without too much danger and without too much restriction. It was a constant struggle that caused me much stress as I was fighting so hard to not love her much but her growing affection and need for me wore us both down.

Having been given to me around a month or two after birth (2002-04-23), she seemed to exhibit some typical baby habits, such as an oral fixation. In her case, she had a desire to lick my tongue and over the years, became quite obsessed about licking my spit. If she heard me swallow, she'd push at my nose to get me to open my mouth for a "drink". If you've had kids, you'll know you've done similar things (ever chewed your kids food?) and those without babies of their own simply don't understand how unoffensive it is to a parent. Don't say my cat is different, for you really are narrowed minded if you do! Someday, I will share how convenient this habit became for me!

The above picture was taken around November 17th, 2003 at Rickwood Caverns Park, Alabama before Sheena's accident. She didn't like that heavy chain but loved going out to new places so took to the chain with few complaints (a dramatic leaning to the side as if it weight a ton to be one of them)!

After the accident, she still enjoyed walks in the woods, now having the need for me to take her and her following the sound of my steps or walking on a leash. She still demanded access to the entire house, wandering throughout, exploring the boundaries. Though being blind, her bodily needs soon turned my entire house into a litter box and I was forced to begin limiting her access to being in diapers on beds and carpets or fenced into the kitchen linoleum floor that was more easily cleaned.

Again, with her world having become so small with the loss of eyesight, I struggled with giving her more personal attention, and my care and love grew even more. Due to physical problems, my ability to keep things to my OCD level of cleanliness soon grew beyond my ability and I soon became very reclusive, reluctant to expose guests to the less than pristine environment I preferred.

Sheena still loved the outdoors and no matter how many times she got rained on, she still was up for sunning herself on the deck. Even in the middle of winter, a few minutes were often required outdoors until she got older and the warm comfort of a seat next to daddy became more precious to us both.

So, no matter how quiet I was, she would seek out my company and always managed to find where I was. I had been using baby gates for many years to keep her in the kitchen on the vinyl floor which was a lot easier to clean and sanitize.

As many with children will note, even a momentary distraction can lead to accidents when diapers are removed or not snugly fit so even sleeping with me at night was no longer possible. This probably was the worst permanent change and I think signaled more drastic decisions to come.

But there were also still moments of great leaps of learning on both our parts. Sheena had a seat next to mine so that she could be as near to me as I could tolerate while I worked on the computer. Anyone whose owned a cat knows that the preferred place is on your person or on the keyboard but I managed to often convince Sheena it was better to sit next to me (reaching out a blind paw to make sure I was still there), rather than be confined to the kitchen behind baby gates.

So, many years had passed with me carrying her from the kitchen, stepping over the baby gates, and settling down at the pc, the couch, or the bed. I had become pretty good at it but began to suffer from problems in my hip and so one day it happened.

When Sheena was 13 and 1/2 years, old, my hip failed, I clipped my toe on the top of the baby gate, and went tumbling down with Sheena. Of course, her safety was my prime concern so I stretched out my arms and dropped her in my metal lawn chair (the only sort of computer chair that could support my enormous weight!) instead of trying to catch my fall. As you can see from the above picture, my chest caught the fall instead and though I was in severe pain, my baby was safe.

Why do I tell you this? To brag about how smart my precious baby had become! Due to the traumatic nature of the event, Sheena was very focused and aware of what had a occurred. She realized the gates that had been blocking her had a top. Within hours, she began searching for this top and discovered it was not high at all. Even having bought gates with diamond shaped meshing so it would pinch her paws, she now began attempting to climb over the gates and within hours, a whole new level of prisoner and warden began (as those with bassinets and babies know all too well!). I was quite proud of the intelligence and reasoning and determination she was showing at that age and quite encouraged she was still so young at heart!

I knew things were changing somehow and I could share much more but that's enough for now. I learned a lot about attitude and I am constantly reminding myself of her example. It isn't surprising that as we grew closer, our feelings also grew but I soon found myself alone and wondering. Is she still around? What happens to our consciousness when we die? Strange little things occur in my life that seem to be an attempt to reassure me that existence does continue after death of our corporeal form. I am not sure but I continue to search and Still I learn!

Miss you Sheena!