Tuesday, April 21, 2015

It's always time

Mark, our last trip to Pensacola, Florida

Yesterday, April 20th, I played a Mix CD for the first time in my car. It was dance music made by a special friend for me back in 2012 before he was murdered. I had the windows down as I pulled out of the basement so I turned if off so it wouldn't disturb my neighbors.

I got out on the street and tried to turn it back on but it wouldn't work. I ejected the disc and tried again. "No Load" appeared and I just got the feeling the maker of the disc was with me, trying to get my attention so I ejected it again. "Come on Mark", I said to my dead friend as I pushed his Dance Mix in one more time.

Again, "No Load" came up and stayed up as the music began to play. He had gotten my attention like he wanted. He didn't want me to just hear the music, he wanted me to listen to it too. You see, something no one but me knows (until now) is that when Mark made me a music CD, he put the songs on there that had special messages from him to me. He was very touched when I first realized it and told him about it.

He was always shy about such things but I let him know how much that meant to me. Like I said, he was very happy that I had noticed it and was actually "listening" to what he was saying to me through our mutual love for music.

And that's why we stayed friends. For all my craziness, he still loved me and cared for me. People didn't see that. They just saw that mean exterior but I knew the heart that beat beneath it.

As I listened to the words of "Renegade" by Eva Simons,


it was if he was speaking from the grave, prophetic and encouraging, I could almost feel his hand on my shoulder. It was overwhelming. It still is. I am listening to it now and the tears are streaming down my face.

I hear you Mark and miss you very much. I believe the best way we can honor someone who has passed on is not with flowers, or visits to the service or the grave, but by learning from their passing. The circumstances and perhaps the mistakes.

You see, Mark and I had had a disagreement and weren't talking when he passed on. I wasn't the friend he needed me to be. The right word in the right way may have saved him but I was selfish and mad and so I didn't say what needed to be said.

The last picture Mark took of me in Pensacola, FL.

He had discussed it with me but I was selfish and so I kept quiet. So did others. We were wrong and all I can do is say I am sorry and resolve myself to do my very best to speak up the next time someone reaches out to me.

I thought I had destroyed all my mix cd's Mark had made for me but when I finally recovered my computer this year (that's why I've not blogged in so long!), in my playlists appeared a special copy of the last CD he made for me in 2012.

So here's to the music and the message where ever you are! Keep on dancing my dear friend!!!