Sunday, October 25, 2015
By the time I got up and walked to the computer, I had already forgotten what I had dreamed about and planned to blog this week so I decided to write about something my cousin and I have discussed many times, loneliness.
I am very introverted. I take medication for anxiety and to keep me calm yet I still find myself standing alone so often in a crowd of people. Upon the suggestion of my therapist, I have been trying to go out and socialize more but it seems to end uncomfortably every time.
I tried going to an event with the Steel City Bears, Sloss Fright Furnace with the hopes that a very kind friend would be there to keep me company. One friend had other plans and the one I hoped to see did not show up.
So there I was, my wonderful ADD interferring with me remembering names and my shy nature preventing me from introducing myself to the members (it was my first time meeting the group). I wanted so badly to turn and leave but I knew that would be ackward so instead, I stood along for the most part. The organizer (whose name I don't remember) not only bought tickets and got us a special rate, but he made it a point to go around introducing himself and also the other members of the group to each other. A very nice guy!
I did notice one person I knew and latched onto him like a life line and I could tell after a while that he wanted to mingle and eventually he did and I found myself standing all alone again.
Another guy came up and introduced himself as coming from the same city as myself so I made it a point to introduce myself, verify he was from my town, and struck up a conversation. He too was very nice and soon more people began to talk as the group grew before going into the attraction.
The neighbor offered to hang out with me so I wasn't alone and this was great since I had forgotten every other name I had been told already. Although the attraction wasn't the greatest, that one simple connection made it so much better! Along the way, another guy in the group started hanging with us and I kept asking the first guy what his name was. It was like holding water in a sieve.
By the end of the event, we were chanting and having a good time even though it soon turned out to be just me and the first person I met since I didn't recall anyone else. I wasn't being rude, I just couldn't remember anyone's name. We soon said our good-byes and I couldn't get away fast enough. I wanted to just crawl in a hole.
I vowed not to return though I knew I'd have to try again at some future event. Why is it so hard to remember names and converse with strangers? I recall a kid that wandered everywhere on his own and made friends everywhere he went. What has changed and how can I get that back without having some friend there to be my buffer? It only seems to get worse, not better and all I want to do is stay at home.
Even when I do get a friend to go with me, if we separate, all eyes seemed to turn on me. There's always some problem I fixate on and before you know it, it feels like everyone is staring at me. I then want to get in the car, running away and leaving my friend behind. Every shadow seems to be a threat.
I know this isn't my usual positive blog but occassionally, we have to take a chance an exposing our weaknesses and issues in the hopes that someone else has the same issue and hopefully a suggestion or doesn't feel so isolated themselves. I know nothing seems to work for me except staying at home, all windows closed, most days barely able to venture outside. At least I've got my blind cat to take care of!