Autism Spectrum

  In with the Old, Out with the new

A secret that most of my classmates never knew is that I am what used to be referred to as a "Functioning Autistic" person.

CLUE:  Inside voice versus outside voice is regional.  When I get excited, I talk with a New Orleans inside voice which in Mississippi and Alabama is an outside voice.  VAN IS LOUD!!!

Now that I am getting closer to publishing my book, I can share what diagnosis I have had officially and those I kept hidden.  Autism-Asperger Spectrum is the part I have hid even from my doctors.

They first said I was faking my mental issues and just had "anger issues".  If you have an autistic child, you know how difficult the impatience turns to anger.

So when I was first diagnosed, all they had to work with was an adult that seemed simply BIpolar.

Yes, I am Bi.  Bisexual, bipolar, buy, bye, b-eye-tch...

Next, I had what used to be called a my first uncontrollable unmedicated Manic episode after 9/11 tragedy which blew me open.

I could no longer handle cameras on stop lights, on phones, eyes watching everywhere and without my parents or sister to help, I began reverting back to my child-like autistic behaviors but the psychiatrists were now set on seeing me bipolar with "anger issues", misdiagnosed instead of the spectrum (which had not been defined at the time).

Then the bombshell.  Moving from doctor to doctor, I was misdiagnosed due to the paranoia as having "Schizo-Affective Disorder" which was not even a term when I was a kid and instead of re-evaluating me, I lost my job and forced into "retirement" but meant I was put on disability because I could no longer function as a programmer with all the changes after 9/11.

So, since around 2002, I have been mentally disabled as one of the most dangerous types of mental disorders, "Schizo-Affective Disorder" though it started out as simply Autism-Asperger Spectrum disorder with anger issues.

Bless Your Heart....

A mess....

I am I-Van or Crazy Ivan as I am known by in Birmingham.

And now, you know..."The rest of the story..."

Blessed Be and Amen.

Namaste Bitches!!!

Prisons are prisons - Human and other animals too

 The tiger Eko was killed in a zoo

This morning, I learned that a zoo worker reached into a restricted enclosure and was attacked by a wild tiger, Eko.  The person was taken to the hospital and Eko was shot, then tranquilized and later died.  Why are tranquilizers not used to begin with?

As human population grows, we push many other living things to the point of extinction, plants and animals.  I doubt our conservation efforts will ever find a natural balance before most are gone.

I grew up (my teen years) in the country, walking or riding my horse through a huge wooded area owned by the paper company.  I am used to being alone or sharing my journeys with usually one or two other people.  Those quiet times in the woods gave me an appreciation of what the creator made and that that was the way it should be.

As a human, I still don't like duck walks (walks in the rain).  I look at it as being baptized without my consent but maybe they know better than I do.  Sometimes I smile, walk slowly, get drenched and thank them for cleansing me, washing away the bad stuff and ionizing me for the day.  Other times I stay in my shelter or pop open my umbrella and try to avoid every drop.

So I realize as I live currently, I need wood for shelter and many animals are displaced by the cutting of trees for that wood.  Zoos are an easy solution to shelter and care for some of  those displaced animals.

No matter how well we care for them, it is still a prison.  To then kill them when they act like animals is not something we'd do if the animals incarcerated were humans.  I also don't support the death penalty for humans.  Ideals of Love and Compassion should be engaged to the best of our abilities for all those in prisons.

I hope the person recovers.  With less than 200 of these tigers in the wild, it's ironic that Eko's purchase was funded by efforts to save wild tigers.

Facebook elite

Seeking Alpha: Facebook exempted secret elite from its content rules - WSJ.

https://seekingalpha.com/news/3739118-facebook-exempted-secret-elite-from-its-content-rules-wsj?utm_source=news.google.com&utm_medium=referral

ME FIRST

 I am severely diabetic and my doctor has been poorly playing "up the insulin" b(because I am the doctor, so I know best)!!!

I even have repeatedly told her since getting the "stomach sleeve" surgery that changes in my insulin levels aremore dangerous than ever but she does not understand the subtle nuances of this deadly disease.

From anxiety to mood swings, my natural body inclination to question everything is not just the way I am.

After becoming diabetic, this can ALSO SOMETIMES indicate I am entering a diabetic crash in the middle of a normal heated discussion.

We can all laugh at Ivan (aka Van) and jokingly say "How will we know the difference?"?

I will say you can't. As the sugar drops, I become befuddled and unreasonably argumentative. Just like anyone trying to get their point across in a noisy or chaotic place.

Sweating is also a sign of a crash. I also sweaty excessively regularly due to my physiology ("sweating disease") and being obese 311 pounds this week. Again, no way to tell without testing my blood.

Anger at attempting to test, to calm, to mis-diagnos, to blame my meds or lack of meds, just to shut me up is not the solution.

1) Get me a Cherry Coke, a Mountain Dew, or a LARGE 16 OUNCE JUICE OR SUGAR. I may not take it but don't talk, just DO THE DEW. You may save our lives ( mine and yours).

2) Get me to a car or bed and drop the A/C to 69°.

3) PLEASE BE PATIENT and if at all possible, since I am in huge medical debt already, ONLY CALL 911 "AS A LAST RESORT"!!! PLEASE???

This "sleeve" surgery is where they cut out ⅔ of your stomach (which is thought to be the part where hunger hormones are produced).

So, if my insulin in-take is any higher than now (I used to take 75 to 100 per meal before the weight loss surgery), around 4 or 5 meals a day; my doctor's ignorance about the many symptoms of diabetes that are symptoms of many other diseases (I was crushed at birth) may well end my life.

My doctor is my friend. 

She is also a know-it-all and has yet to sit down with me and my three binders of medical history. 

Humana is planning cto do so and hopefully will see the neurological damage the crushed skull during birth started.  

They will understand that the life-long spinal damage from birth added to the lower back pain from digging a ditch 13 hours straight without a break at 16 AND the two accidents with 18-wheelers (loss of memory one time, untreated whiplash the second) has made me appear as a hypochondriac instead of a very I'll, very tough, strong-will son-of-a-bitch!!!

NOTE: Artificial insulin is like marijuana, it makes you VERY hungry!!! (About 100 times normal or ten times being high on pot as a reference. I am NOT JOKING!!! 

Diet you say? Die with a capital T. One acronym, P.O.T.S., look it up!!! My doctor refused to. "Just stand up slowly.

Furthermore, my sister was diagnosed will Kugelberg-Welander syndrome. Boys suffer later in life. I have asked to be genetically tested but that's a negative strike on an over-worked lesbian doctor. I'd get better care (I know from observations) if I were a female patient instead of a male so-called hypochondriac!!!!!!

I can't constantly crash and can't go any higher in insulin so I will be leaving facebook and focusing on my health since my partner and caregiver is dead and I have to care for myself.

I apologize for the inconvenience but I am putting my health and welfare first.

I am still available through messenger if needed. Please do not be concerned about me if I do not respond in a timely fashion.

I have narcolepsy-like comas as well as sugar-comas (too little or too much). Due to schizo-affective disorder, they have to be careful with my ADHD medicine. I understand this. I respect this I am also very very very frustrated by the label and the lack of proper management of my health.

Physical and physiological as well as Spiritual (claiming speaking with angels or dead or aliens or Gods and Goddesses an other Pantheons of dieties Saints and such is not valid outside the confines of the loony bin unless you can convince your psychiatrist and therapist to let you roam free. It's not funny. It's sad but true!

I am well and with focusing on my health, I am and will continue to be well.

Take care, Blessed Be, Namaste, Peace Out and AMEN. 

ChAnGe and A Blessing.

 As we move into a global communication network,

We will see the struggles for Good versus Evil become more intense as well as sublime.

We each define these terms just as we define compassion for those not like ourselves.

Charity especially, is so terribly subjective from our own personal Greed.

Whether it is because we must put food on the table,

A roof over our heads,

A way to travel,

Ourselves, children, family, friends, neighbors, communities and the World all have to be prioritized according to the wealth we are comfortable with accumulating versus sharing.

Perhaps think upon these things as you read the following blessing:

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!

Ein SOF:

Above and Below,

Within and Without,

To Infinity and Beyond,

Bless this place,

these beings,

this moment,

With Good

Love,

Compassion,

Charity and

Justice.

Send Good Blessings,

Bless me,

Bless you,

Bless us,

Our Avatars, Jesus, Buddha, Bodhisattvas,

Angels, Saints, Spirits,

Our Ancestors and Mighty Dead,

Fairy Folk and other realms,

Light, Shadow, Dark,

Empower us to be vessels for Good Love and Compassion and Justice and Charity,

To Infinity and Beyond,

Blessed Be, Namaste and Amen.

2021-May-20th Ivan J. Adams.

Think upon such words as "Love" and "Good" from what they mean to "you" versus "me" or "us".  Are we all of like minds in wealth or charity?  What is Good from my Spiritual standpoint versus yours and theirs? Religious and Political views are a very good examples when using generalizations and assumptions about the terms "me", "you", "us", "them".

The term I came up with, I.T., the Intelligent Totality is in itself interesting with the more broad terms of it, she, he and they.  I am comfortable with any but I respect each persons path and the struggle for their own personal identity.  It is hard to remember, but eventually, as we respect each individual's path, this too shall pass.

Namaste!!!

The dilemma that is CLEAN UNDERWARE!!!

 Some that know me are aware of my many "issues".  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of them although you may agree with me that it's not always a disorder, instead more of a DESIRE-FOR-order!!!

So, yesterday I finally solved a mystery that is common at the Rainbow Dragon's Lair.  Things going missing in this dungeon of a house no matter how many times I walk RIGHT PAST THEM!!!  It's what I call "selective-seeing", similar to what most spouses, parents, and children are often accused of having, "selective-hearing"! (But that's an "issue" for another blog...fight among yourselves about it for now)

Let's backtrack a bit.

Some folks might see my desire to hang all hangers in the closet with the open hook facing in as an OCD trait that's not an issue.  Others even say my desire to have all my shirts on those hangers facing the same way is okay too.  You might even like a particular hanger that has indentions to catch the sleeves from falling off.  OCD boys and girls!!!  

Now, here's where it begins to get a bit cray-cray with me.

I will give away any hangers that are not white.  Also, any that are smooth without the above indentions.  AND, if I can't find one, I will get in my car at ANY time and drive across town to get the SAME brand at the only 24-hour store that sells them!!!  And yes, since COVID-19, the fact that I don't have access to a 24-hour store has caused my use of Xanax to go through the roof!

I also like a different hanger for heavy pants and of course, they DO have to all face the same way when hung.  Also, due to the ADHD (also known as "selective-seeing", "selective-hearing", etc.), I may pick up the WRONG hangers at the store 50 miles away and have to drive back and get the right ones (all the time annoyed there is no one at customer service to return the wrong ones at 3AM).

So, don't laugh at me when I talk to you about underwear UNLESS you have NO OCD traits!!!

Here we go.

I wash underwear twice.  They're the dirtiest part of clothing unless you re-use pads (you know somebody does it).  Ever heard of a man-pon?  Also, if I run out, I am more likely to go buy more underwear than do a load of wash.  And here's where yesterday's mystery was solved.

I have reached maximum capacity for my drawers drawer.  I can no longer fit them all in one dresser drawer.  It's time to sort and discard but now that I have over 50 pairs, I have been avoiding it.  As it turns out, I have so many pairs of drawers (underwear), I can misplace half of them and not notice...much.

So in a rare mood of energy and little back pain, I began putting all my washed clothes away from the basement.  And discovered underneath a clean set of bedsheets in one of my many hampers (washing can become an OCD issue), I found the other half of my underwear that had been sitting in the basement FOR MONTHS!!!

Although I did consider re-washing them due to loss of "fresh-scent", I decided, being single, I was the only one that would be smelling them so the fading fresh-scent was fine.  I still can't fit them all in the one drawer and I have no room for another dresser (I am still considering this option, I kid you not!).

At the moment, my preferences are for Hanes, Boxers, Colored (I'd like all-black to hide racing stripes but it's too cost-prohibitive) but I may go back to white briefs so I can bleach them bad-boys extra clean!   

Now come on, what are your OCD "issues", healthy or not (who's to judge? LOL)?

Hope this gave you a chuckle.

Namaste.

Obesity - The Shame that is still Politically Correct

In February of 2019, I had 2/3 of my stomach removed in a medical procedure called a gastric sleeve.  It has risks but so did my morbid obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes and chronic back pain (just to name a few issues!).

I had planned this for many years.  I had tried everything and due to even MORE medical issues, I kept failing.  As my weight crept up towards 400 (Sam's Higi station recorded my high as 369, at home, I recorded it as 378), I realized I needed help.  

I was ashamed of having failed at eating properly and exercising and having to also admit I needed help.  I was ashamed because fat was equated with laziness  My Hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) increased with my obesity and was equated with uncleanliness.  Having to take insulin compounded the issue that most doctors don't understand, that taking insulin makes you hungry.  So you eat, take insulin to process the food, and become hungry again in a vicious cycle!

Supposedly (research continues), many of the hunger hormones are produced in the stomach of which 2/3 are removed.  I can tell you, my constant hunger went away after surgery.  I still had an addiction to sugar AND food which I had to be aware of but now I had a fighting chance.

I still have issues that complicate my weight loss, but I also have days where I am INSULIN FREE!!!  That's right, through diet and exercise, I can go from 75 UNITS (about 5 times the average PER MEAL, 4 times a day (300 UNITS of 70/30 Insulin or more a day)) to NO INSULIN.  Even when I do need it, it is less than half of the 75 units I was taking!!!

Other medications have also decreased as I began to lose weight, dropping below 300 pounds!  Simply by changing my diet and no longer being so hungry.

I should have tried to introduce exercise earlier after the gastric sleeve surgery but I was tired and walking hurt so I didn't do so.  I fell back into my old ways, enjoying processed foods and fast food and my weight slowly began creeping up until I finally added walking to the mix.

I am still struggling with portion control and pleasure foods.  It is not a simple fix.  It is a tool to help you help yourself.  I am so afraid of failure and disappointing people that may know of my procedure that I have not said anything.

Today I mowed almost all my lawn, front and back.  It's the most I have done at one time in probably 10 or more years!  I don't know how successful I will be or how much I may lose but I still believe I made the right decision and for others considering this option, I can tell you more, but bottom line, I would do it again only sooner!

For those of you that look down on fat people as lazy or dirty, still politically correct to make fun of, shame on you!  It hurts us and does nothing but send us further into depression which we soothe with the chemicals released by eating.  If you're not going to support us, than to coin a phrase I created, STFU!!!

Stay strong friends, help is out there!

Namaste.

Opposites

In this time of strife, I've been quiet and avoided blogging. Everyone seems quite polarized in their feelings and I understand that. I think the particular issues right now are being discussed ad nauseum, even platitudes have become hollow, so I decided to go out on a tangent.  Philosophy.

Evil versus Good.  Chaos versus Order.  Sad versus Happy. Things like that.  If we are a mirror of Creation, does that mean these things are part of a greater whole or can they exist separately?

Many stories of Creation talk of these traits coming from a single source but they could indeed come from separate sources, commingling or exchanging states like pieces in a great game of life.

In my own view, it seems polar opposites would lead to a very boring existence. Supposedly, in some versions of the big bang theory, a change in the perfect balance of everything was what caused the Creation of our Universe.

I don't know if there is a place where Evil is preferred. I do believe it resides in most of us but in this area of this Universe, Good and Happy seem to be preferred.

The problem is, we each define these preferred states differently. Just look at how many laws we have and how often we argue about them and change them.

There are areas of our world way beyond comfortable, safe and healthy capacity.  Yet, we continue to spread even as plagues erupt due to overpopulation. So people suffer from such things as disease and starvation, often dying.

Some of us think they got what they deserved for whatever twisted reasoning we have used to feel okay with such thoughts because we keep that reasoning secret.

But if we really are known even to the core of our thoughts by some entity or entities, will there really be NO consequences? Even if it's a lesson instead of a punishment, convincing ourselves what we reasoned to be right but knew was really wrong, simply wasted time fooling no one.

We just languished in a state of false righteousness. The bill is still due. Life is change. Be the change you KNOW SHOULD BE in the world.

Namaste.

COVID-19 Sufferers...Hang in there!!!

At first, I joked along with many others even as people were dying.  I'm sorry.  Finding humor at the expense of others feelings is never good.  It hurts and depending on how dire that person's circumstances are, it could even kill.

There are many poor people even in our own nation.  Forcing people not to work will cost jobs, housing, cars, and food to name a few of the important things.  I know it is a risk to allow people to decide for themselves if what they do is essential, but it is their right to choose that danger.

If you live near quick cash or pawn shops, I hope you realize; they are not even living from paycheck to paycheck.  Many of their lives are at a point where they have to borrow already to make ends meet.  Those living paycheck to paycheck (and I don't mean government checks like retirees), are not far behind.

Can you imagine the stress they are under?  Why do you think alcohol and marijuana dispensaries have seen a rise in business?  People are self-medicating in an attempt to get away from the stress for even a short time.  Perhaps even pushing off very dark thoughts for just ONE MORE DAY.

Perhaps instead of jokes, we could post words of charity, hope, and love.  Let even people we don't know, WE CARE.  A smile or thumbs up to a stranger, charity without judgement, a kind word or an open ear.

And for those in trouble, it's okay to ask in private or any other way.  In a nation such as ours, people should not have to suffer hunger or housing but I know they do.  We are not where we should be as a nation but I do have hope that we will eventually focus on bringing each other UP and getting closer to that ideal.

Namaste

Diabetes and mental health issues

After my blood sugar spiked to over 1400 and a dear friend came running to check on me, I realized it would be a good discussion to share with family, friends and other folks curious about this disease.

It becomes more complicated when you have mental illnesses that have similar symptoms.  Quickly and accurately diagnosing the real problem can be the difference between life and death.

I am not a medical professional, so what I am documenting here is my own views on how I handle my health issues.

First, for me, having low blood sugar is the most dangerous diabetic event since it can quickly lead to death.

Low blood sugar occurs if I don't eat on a regular basis or take too much insulin.  Many things affect how well my body uses insulin to process carbohydrates/sugars.  Being more active such as going for a walk can drastically reduce the insulin needed and cause me to crash ( where my blood sugar drops below 100 or so).  Stress can affect it as well, causing my body to not use the insulin or take much longer than normal to do so.  Using different sites to inject the insulin can sometimes affect it's absorbtion. So I usually dose low and then test again in a few hours and do an additional shot if my blood sugar is still high.

Since having weight loss surgery, I am eating one-third to one-half what I used to eat and my Insulin has also dropped. Some meals, I require NO insulin!!!!!!!!!

The symptoms of low blood sugar (a crash) vary as to when (what level my blood sugar is at) they occur and how severe they are. Also, if I am sitting, they are not as obvious. Standing requires more energy, so sweating and shaking occur more strongly and more quickly.

There have been times when I crash as my blood sugar dips below 100 to around 85. I have also been unaffected by a blood sugar as low as 45!

I also sweat more than average and sweating is a good indicator that I am crashing.  Sweating is compounded by anxiety and being hot natured.  These issues make me irritable (which also causes me to sweat), so determining why I am sweating is very confusing and dangerous.

At this point in a crash, I can also become argumentative which is also part of my nature, so this makes helping me even more challenging.

The best thing is to ask me to test my blood sugar.  If I do, it should be above 100 for me. If lower, give something with sugar in it. If I don't want to test, then just offer me some sugar (coke, juice, candy).

I can also become confused and forgetful, which are also issues I deal with from other mental problems. I can have sugar within reach and not remember that I do. Try to stay calm.

My family has dealt with this for a long time and I need to say, their shift into emergency mode and helping me recover is truly heart warming!

Although a sugar high is problematic, it is not as dangerous for me.

I become tired, even passing out.  Leaving my blood sugar high stresses my pancreas which can lead to pancreatitis and the need to be hospitalized. This too has occurred a few times but I am managing these highs much better. Since I live alone, I have to keep my blood sugar closer to normal since I am the only one taking care of me.

Depression, mania, anxiety, ADHD, mild narcolepsy, high blood pressure (to name a few) have many of the same symptoms.  Loss of memory, loss of focus, shaking, stuttering, sweating, feeling heavy, excessive tiredness, argumentativeness, and anger are some of the more common issues that are also signs of a diabetic issue.

So that gives you some understanding of my struggle with diabetes and mental health issues.
Feel free to add your own personal observations and post questions on the subject of diabetes and mental health.

Thanks for your interest and your care!

Namaste.

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Knees and Toes...

Or the more modern version:  "Lips, Chests, Crotch and Butts.  Crotch and Butts..."

Whether it's duck lips, v-necks stretching below the navel, pajamas without underwear, and pants below your butts to Burkas; Times are a changing!!!

Having struggled with my weight since my early teens, I know the struggle of fat-shaming and wearing baggy clothes.  It's one of those politically correct issues yet to be conquered.  

I am in the middle from modesty to being politically correct.  I don't think you need or want to see my ass or tell my religion by my skin-tight clothes.  If sexuality didn't lead to unprotected sex and unplanned pregnancies, I'd be less concerned about how "in-your-face" it is.

Boys and girls are affected by this as well as being considerate of others.  From presentation in clothing to attitudes towards other people's bodies, we are often very self-centered.

I can say this because I know how often I speak what's on my mind before considering the implications of how I say something.  It's an ADHD thing..."Say it or forget it!".  It's also my culture though my parents TRIED to teach me to "Think before you speak" and my co-workers suggested I "Pick My Battles".

But someone needs to say what is on our collective minds sometimes.  Perhaps trying to slow down, give a bit of thought to something, and then expressing yourself quietly, in confidence is the wisest way.  SOMETIMES IT NEEDS TO BE SHOUTED FROM THE TREE TOPS!  I get those two confused...a lot.  I still appreciate those friends that do better at discerning which is which and try to speak up for those that remain silent to avoid ALL conflict.

Namaste!!!

Eniac

In the beginning was Eniac and it was good!

ENIAC - Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer

A computer was defined as a device with input, CPU, and output.

What once filled a room is now held in your hand.  It is as simple as a hand-held calculator.

INPUT:  The keys (numbers, math signs, equal, and clear to name a few).

OUTPUT:  The LCD screen that displays the answer or Error Message.

CPU:  All those vacuum tubes have now become transistors on a circuit board.

From 1 + 8007 = 8008

     to 

9 / 0 = Err, 

We no longer worry about a moth shorting out our computer calculator, instead, we worry if there is enough Sun to power its solar batteries.

All in my lifetime.  Alexa, are you listening?  What do you think Watson thinks of all of this?

Namaste.

The Gift of Gab or How a Manic stage is no longer appreciated...

It is considered impolite if you have the gift of gab and talking incessantly.

Zyprexa is the way they medicate some bipolar's to keep them from thinking, talking, and acting as quickly as their mind is able, which offends people who can not understand mental illnesses like Bipolar or an even more complex version, Schizoaffective Disorder.

It is offensive to interrupt people and ADHD folks have Ritalin for that.

If you have anger or anxiety, Clonazepam or Xanax help with that.

If you are in Pain Management though, you are not allowed to have Flexeril for muscle spasms/pain along with Norco in the above mixture.

It's really my business how my doctors care for me, not the Government but they are constantly sticking their noses in Citizens of USA (whom they work FOR) business.  So the studies I reviewed are simply SUGGESTED GUIDELINES but Pain Management is about covering the Doctor's asses, not MANAGING YOUR PAIN.  In fact, that's the same for most of us.  Me first, then you, the patient.

The studies I read are often based on the conservative side since we can't do human trials YET to see what a 6'1 and 1/2 inch, 300 pound MALE can handle versus a 5' 8", 150 pound FEMALE.

So they err on the Short, Medium weight, female side and include drug-addicts and drug-managed folks who tell the truth or lie from mostly Hospital ER's and Doctor's observations to set guidelines for what can be prescribed pretty much the same for everyone (at least, some of my doctors do).

If I had all proficient, medically capable doctors in my group (General doctor, Pain doctor, Psychiatrist, and Therapist), I would be okay and managed properly but I don't so I'm screwed.

Suffer through the chronic pain baby.  The government is not going to let you have such a dangerous mixture even though you are male, taller than average, and twice the weight of the average male or even more of an average female.  And my life is mine to live as I see fit.

sUfFeR!!!!!!!!!!

suffer!!!!!!!!!!

Suffer!!!!!!!!!!!

SUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And go fuck yourself...

Thankfully I have many good friends to take care of me along with good doctors.  Bless you all and especially Aisling (sp?) and Brenda (wink).  Love you all!!!

Namaste.

Feminine and Masculine Spectrum

     I originally came upon this subject while reading about global tariffs and how far we have to go before we realize we are all "ONE Tribe" and hopefully base it upon Love, Compassion, and Charity instead of Greed and the other Seven deadly sins (Seven deadly sins).

     This lead me to a term I had heard but not bothered to read about before, the "Desert Fathers" (Desert Fathers).  I am quite obsessed with Spirituality though my psychiatrists say both obsession and Spirituality indicate multiple mental illnesses (obsession is known as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), OCD in Spirituality is a symptom of Bipolar disorder).  If you combine that with the belief that you speak to and/or hear messages from your Creator, this is known as Schizoaffective disorder.  I guess most of us are crazy!

     I know I digressed there but since I have been writing about those issues, I take any chance that pops up to discuss mental illnesses.

     So the "Desert Fathers" lead me to one known as the "Father of All Monks" known also as "Anthony the Great" (Saint Anthon).  I was particularly fascinated by the fact that he went to live in a desert as I had.  I lived in Saudi Arabia as a young child though I did not suffer as Anthony did.  During his sojourn in the Egyptian desert, he was tempted by demons (Temptation of Saint Anthony in visual arts) as depicted in the following image:

     All of this caused me to begin reflecting upon history and our struggle for equality.  I began thinking about how much historical evidence implies that the feminine was more revered than it is now and how we still struggle to see everyone on the spectrum as equal.

     A good example was a link I followed while viewing these beautiful images.  The above wall painting is in the Ancient Church of Saint Mary (Santa Maria Antiqua).  I came across a link that was titled "Queen of Heaven" but it sent me to "Maesta" (Majesty) and neither page elaborated on the subject "Queen of Heaven" (Mary, mother of Jesus).

     Some might say this is an oversight and it is possible.  Whether it was intentional or not, it still shows that the feminine aspect of the Creator is not held within most people's thoughts as the masculine.  If it was, it would have and should have been corrected.  Look for the term "Uriel" (Forgotten Arch-Angels) and its meanings as another example and a chance to do a bit of research and reflection on your own.  At one time, why were they unnamed and just Angels in a "Spectrum" just like my subject!

     I know many don't see the importance of recognizing each person's struggle to be respected.  For those that are not cisgender (Birth Gender), the struggle to be recognized properly means a lot to that person.  Just as many hold to the old terms and become angry and frustrated with dealing with this issue, so do those attempting to be seen as they really are.


     Being on the LGBT+ spectrum AND the mental illness spectrum, I struggle with the changes, views, and emotions shared on both subjects.  I often express this with my own therapist and have found the best way to handle things is to laugh them off instead of holding onto all the negative feelings.  After all, I am only hurting us in the process.

     By "us" I mean the explainer and the explainee as well as the mental illness term "schizophrenia".  Since we are both, I have the right to just laugh and let the rest of you wonder what I mean by "we".  The English language is complex and if the term "it" didn't have a lesser importance than "she" or "he", it would be a better term for the rest of the spectrum.  Hopefully, in our struggle for truer and better equality, together we will all find a way to move forward.

Namaste.

Time is Fluid

     I don't try to understand too much of the Universe at any given moment.  In fact, that fourth dimension of time, that "moment", frustrate me quite a bit.  I automatically dislike science fiction that bases its story on manipulating events through time.  Which is a big deal if you like such stories as Star Trek or even Harry Potter.  I realize it's just my own limited grasp on the subject but when my Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD) kicks in, such issues can wreck a person's enjoyment of an otherwise interesting story.

     I realize authors are simply trying to grasp a very complex subject and make their story interesting but to me, it punches so many holes in it that I either have to turn the OCD off (no easy feat, even with Fluvoxamine) or I have to make leaps of ignorance to enjoy the story and stay in its universe.

     Today I awoke crying about my little cat, Sheena Easton Adams.  I was watching this Dr. Suess movie (I call my dreams movies) and she was scared and alone and unhappy and barely let me catch her because she had gone feral (like she would in real life) and I couldn't fix her.

     For some reason, it mad me think of my own struggle with madness and wondered when my last time would be up.  I thought of the man and woman that seemed to be my mom and my sister and her husband while I was in the loony bin and I wondered if anyone else saw how easily we seem to slide from one realm of sanity to another of madness in the blink of an eye.

     And most importantly, why this new SchizoAffective Disorder (SAD) seemed to frighted even the best of friends.  Why could they not realize that for me, each Universe is as real as the one before it.  Each moment is a different you and a different me and though it's all ONE, I wonder when I'll give up and never return to that Universe of sanity again.

     I miss Sheena (both one and two).  I hope they are happier and safer (where ever they may be) than in my nightmares...

Are YOU a doormat?

     Do you let people and companies step all over you, abuse you, or ignore your rights as a decent human?

     I have often done this and have reached my limit and am beginning to push back.  If this seems like I am an asshole, I really don't care anymore.  You shall no longer wipe your feet on me so that you smell like roses and I feel like shit!

     This is just a heads up for the hospitals and doctors and staff as well as car dealers, and any other low-life including but not limited to, so-called friends as well as family that have taken advantage of my laid back nature as if it is a sign of weakness, ignorance, or carelessness.  I'm COMING for you.  You have been warned.  If I am ignored, you shall be too!

     The rainbow dragon has awakened...

Snap Judgements - a history

I believe we often make snap judgments when meeting people and then don't admit when more information shows we were wrong.  I know I do!

Bipolar folks, ADD/ADHD folks, and such are quick thinkers.  I am a bit quirky myself so I understand. 

But there was a time when we humans lived moment to moment, never knowing when we would be attacked by wild animals or humans from other tribes and we had to make a quick decision on the limited data at hand.  These so-called "mental illnesses" were what kept us and our tribe alive.  We were the super-beings of the tribe.  As I like to call us "Homo Nuevo", New Humans.

Now most folks don't need these abilities and so we are medicated until most all of us have become zombies.  The message is clear.  We are even obsessed with shows about the subject of zombies.  They even eat brains.  We are hard-wired in our brains to be this way.

So instead of simply medicating everyone to the point that they are living-dead and either give up and commit suicide or going berserk and killing someone or being put away in the loony bin like I do; why not find what our special abilities are good for and create special education tracks to help us find our new niche in modern society?

Hang in there my fellow super-beings.  The "ONE Tribe" needs us.  Help is on the way.  It will just take a while.  In the mean time, search for your own HEALTHY answers.  Each one of you is special and loved by someone, maybe someone you don't even know is there thinking about you.  "I" love you.

Namaste
Ivan J. Adams copyright 2017-10-23

Party On!!!

There is a word Carl Jung coined, Synchronicity. In my interpretation, it is the belief that instead of going through life with your head up your ass, claiming everything to be coincidence, you've practiced your spiritual beliefs to a point where you are able to see the influence of a higher power in the multiverse and more confidently participate in the creation of that multiverse while in your corporeal form instead of dismissing everything as coincidence.

Being in a constant state of this elevated awareness has become forgotten by most and so re-learning how to attain that state and maintain it is very difficult. In this day of science, unproven things such as synchronicity makes it even harder due to the majority of people not believing (whether it was attained through simple faith or personal observation).

Both paths (blind faith or personal observation) are constantly attacked by even other believers as well as so many non-believers. This can quickly and easily cause the energy to maintain that state to be sucked away. We call these beings "energy vampires". When they disagree and attempt to drain you through any means to create doubt within you, you will find yourself falling out of the moment and going back to sleep like the masses. All I can say is to leave their presence and DON'T GIVE UP your practices.

With that said (and the warning that doubt in your ability and even mine (from publishing this post) will occur), I am going to give you a personal and precious example of this power I believe occurred for me. I don't care if you disagree but I do hope that someone finds comfort that this amazing ability does exist and that we all can do it! NAMASTE!!!

Today my grand-niece posted something that caught my eye because it had a shirtless hairy big man (known in the LGBTQ community as a "bear") on a stage with a microphone. Of course, she had my interest with the shirtless bear but being on stage with a microphone, I just had to know what was going on.

It turned out it was about the mafia so I decided to tell my grand-niece about my mom's fond memories of her party days with the mafia.

My mom loved to party. She worked as a waitress for 16 years and said she would often bring her "club" clothes to work so she could change into her club outfit when her shift was over and head to the club. She would party all night and then head back to work for the next day's shift.

She even told me about one of the gangsters handing her the keys to a brand new Cadillac. She was so excited and ran to show my dad. If you knew my dad, you knew how much he loved my mom and his jealousy was fierce! Without a thought for his life, he told her to return it. So she did with much sadness. Luckily he trusted her enough to let her still go to the clubs and hang out with her gangster friends.

I often just listened, not quite sure how much was true until I rented a movie called "The Cotton Club". See these two links: The movie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dr5Bn5cJKMA, The description https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cotton_Club_(film).

My mom was on the edge of her seat as she watched the movie, jumping up and hollering. "I've been there!" she would say or point to a gangster and say "I knew him!". I've never seen her so excited and happy. By the end of the movie, I finally realized this quiet woman that was my mom was a true party girl.

At the time, I was still young and was definitely not a party animal.

When my mom became sick and moved in with me and my partner, Jerry Michael Brown, we had become party animals and my mom was our advisor. From critiquing our club outfits to providing party supplies, she lived her past days again through us. I regret refusing to allow her to come along when she asked to just because I didn't want to be thought of as a "mama's boy". She's okay with that now even if I still cry over it but that's not the point of this story.

Eventually, the cigarettes killed her and I had to lie to her and tell her she could move on because I would be alright without her. I did a good job because her passing was happy and peaceful and she had no clue how sad and frightened I was to lose her.

I was a mess afterwards and didn't want to remain but somehow I did. I did all the things you do after someone dies but I was not aware of much, and barely had the energy for simple tasks. My partner Jerry was just as hurt but helped keep me going. I even bought all my family a copy of the newspaper with her obituary and brought a copy to any family member that wanted it.

This is where the synchronicity began to press upon us all in so many ways and yet it simply passed us all by for the most part. It took years before I finally crawled out of that deep pit of depression and could reminisce about my mom and finally see the hand of the Creator showing me just how powerful he is to speak to all of us all the time in every moment of OUR co-creation of the multiverse.

I sat in my meditation room years later, staring at the front page of the newspaper with my mom's obituary and finally saw it:


Party on

I could go into more detail but either you believe insynchronicity or you don't. It's not an easy path and raising and holding yourself in a heightened level of awareness is something that some devote the focus of their entire life to. In the modern world, we may hope for just an occassional moment but even that can have a profound affect.

We are all One Tribe so from one Divine member to Another Divine member, I wish you love, compassion and success!

Rituals

Me and my sister


The first (and last) time I went to a funeral home was when my neighbor was killed in an accident. He worked with the county maintaining our dirt roads and was run over and mauled by a road grader. It was a closed casket.

His one son was so distraught over his father's death that he hugged the coffin, bawling, and often making them open it up so he could see his father, no matter how bad he looked. I did not see him and did not want to and left as soon as I could get away.

The graveside service was even worse, for now his entire family was in tears and I felt helpless. I just wanted to run away and cry myself for all the pain I was feeling from everyone.

After that, I didn't go to wakes any more. I knew so many would think I didn't care but I simply could not handle the emotions and did not want the last image of someone in my mind to be of them laying dead and pumped full of chemicals. My spirituality does not believe in doing such things so I follow my own rituals instead.

What my mom's urn looked like (my partner Jerry picked it out)


When my partner died and was cremated (a change in his beliefs because of me sharing my own spirituality with him), his family asked me to preside over the graveside burial since he still wanted to be buried at the foot of his mother's grave, which I understood. It was a very touching request to perform the ceremony by a wonderful family that had welcomed me in as their own. It was only my second time to be in a cemetery.

Jerry Michael Brown


Jerry Michael Brown's grave


As I found myself driving back out to his grave so many times, I began to understand the various rituals of death. It gave me great comfort to be able to go to the grave sites of my partner Jerry, my mother Marge, my father Al, and even my little cat Sheena Easton Adams. My sister's ashes have yet to be released and I am waiting very impatiently for that to happen.

Now as the years go by, I am finding so many places to visit and it is hard to do at times. I know I can commune with the other side where ever I am but I like going outdoors to do so.

Another dear friend, Cameron Marsh, has passed away and the synchronicity is amazing. Synchronicity was one of the BIG topics he and I talked about often. It was as if he was trying to show me the things we believed in were so true. On January 28th, 2017, the Chinese New Year is celebrated. The scent associated with bringing in the Chinese New Year of the Rooster was said to be Sandalwood. A very sacred scent that Cameron and I had talked about.



The above image is of the bottle of Sandalwood that Cameron gave to me as a present. I went looking for the bottle the day before, January 27th, in order to have it for the next day. So of course, Cameron was on my mind and I had a stronger nagging intuition to call him as I had since our last talk. As is typical, I was not in the moment and ignoring those inner voices as most of us usually do.

Ten next day I began burning the Sandalwood throughout the house and then logged on to facebook only to discover Cameron had passed away the day before. And I realized what my procrastination and ignoring those whispers from the other side had cost me. I could no longer call him on his phone or see him in his corporeal form.

I didn't go to the funeral but as I looked up the map location, I discovered the service was held in Warrior, Alabama. The next town up from where my partner, Jerry Michael Brown lived when I met him. Then I called the funeral home to find the address of the cemetery and discovered I would pass by where another dear friend, Teri Taylor, lived when Jerry and I had met her. She is another dear young friend that passed on too early in life.

Teri Taylor


It would seem to be a small world. Cameron and I would tell you it is synchronicity. For those that are curious, read "Journey of Souls".

Journey of Souls link: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/104979.Journey_of_Souls

So here I am, needing to visit another close friends burial (having skipped the service) and still waiting to release Sister Sheena II Adams' ashes who died on June 20th, 2016, where my mother and our previous cat, Sheena Easton Adams are buried deep in the sacred woods.

My last cat, Sister Sheena II Adams


For me, no tombstone is necessary. Those that know remember, and once forgotten, it no longer matters. We will be doing other things by then.

Elaine (Cameron's mom) and Cameron Marsh


Instead of graves and tombstones, please take time TODAY to find comfort in friends and family.
Cameron, see you on the flip side and Namaste!



P.S. from Cameron:


Capricorn: https://zodiacrealm7.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/angels-of-capricorn/

The Root Of All EVIL

First Epistle to Timothy in the New Testament of the Christian Bible, English version, King James translation (1 Timothy 6:10, Vulgate including Greek, English (King James version), and Latin): "10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."



If you have a desire to understand the differences and inter-relations and development of the Christian faith (or even it's connection to other religions), I suggest you go to the top of http://sacred-texts.com/ and begin your studies there.

I say this as a wonderful example of where this post is headed. Revelation in the New Testament of the Christian Bible, English version, King James translation (Revelation 22:19): "And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.".

Whomever first wrote (or possibly spoke) those words was the original vessel of God as far as humans go for that statement. Though a description of the the first time it was written is lost, we still have to realize that it was probably NOT written in English nor during King James' rule SO SOMEONE HAS ALREADY "...take(n) away from the words..." through translation into other languages and the inability to thoroughly describe everything a witness of the first writing of those words would experience.

This is the crux of the issue. If heard second hand or read second hand, in the original language even, something of that moment is already lost and so we each must listen with our soul to trust we are part of the Creator and always strive to understand everything from the center of LOVE and LIFE, our heart. Why do you think the paintings paint pictures with Jesus' heart exposed and surrounded by thorns? Having suffered, how can we not understand what LOVE is and follow more accurately in his footsteps?

That is why I call myself a Spiritualist since I believe God is ALL and can be magically growing from nothingness through my own interpretation of religious faiths wherever they may come from. For even now, science fails to understand or describe the Alpha and Omega that is the unknowable infinite. Perhaps that will someday change but it is the basis of my faith no matter how unsteady it may be and I'm okay with that. I think my Creator is okay with it too.



With that preamble, let's begin talking about an interesting change in America. A country founded on the desire of the individual to be free and independent. That included freedom of religion but is often corrupted just as religious beliefs are (as I hope I have already shown).

In 1864, Americans officially began to worship a new god of MONEY. We even stamped our intention ON our money in the hopes, that like the word "bible", ALL or MOST Americans would assume this to be the same God of GOOD and blindly begin accepting the god of MONEY as the God of GOOD. And it seems for the most part, we have.

America is no longer a democracy of the people. It is republic of the corporations built on the power of MONEY.



A great example is the most precious gift our creator gave us that we currently use and abuse, this EARTH. It is becoming one huge landfill and sewer and the root cause is the god of MONEY. Many people need jobs and recycling is an industry whose day is long past being a part of how we live. We could recycle and reclaim all of what we throw away if we were simply willing to follow our HEART to respect the gift of LIFE which is the earth that sustains us instead of following the god of MONEY and claiming it simply costs too much.

I say this since my own community had to "cost justify" recycling instead of simply itemizing it's cost on our bill. As oil became cheap under Barack Obama (yeah, I know that FACT really annoys some folks!), my community began REDUCING what it RECYCLED because IT WAS NOT PROFITABLE. I won't suffer much and since I have no kids, I should not worry. My Spiritual belief tells me different and so I weep for the future of our world.

What more can I say to convince you to stop blindly following what others say is okay but you know to be WRONG? Do you even bother using reusable bags instead of plastic bags? It's a simple step but I see few people in the store bringing their own bags. Just one little step to begin.

THERE IS NO COST TOO HIGH TO PRESERVE THIS GIFT OF LIFE, THE EARTH, THAT THE GOD OF LOVE GAVE US. PERIOD. NAMASTE?